Four-Twenty Tuesday
Mood: Cathardic
Listening to: Madonna
Today I: ~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Cramps Suck. Thank the gods for Pamprin. And those cool menstrual heating pad things. Stick a heating pad to the inside of your pants and let the heat melt those cramps away for 8 hours. Seriously, I was considering a trip to the ER, until the pamprin and heating pad kicked in.
Today someone came and fixed the swamp cooler. This may have saved my life today, if not at least my sanity.
I still can't use my dryer. Towels do not get very soft when they dry on a rack in the Arizona sun. My towels all feel crunchy. Drying off after a shower will be more like exfoliating with sandpaper. I will have to learn how to use fabric softener.
I started organizing the office. I should have taken some "Before" pictures, but I didn't think about it. I cleaned the entertainment center, hooked up the printer and DVD player, organized all the board games, and started organizing a bookshelf and some craft supplies. The heating pad, a Frappacino, half a Darvocet, and the nice cool air from the fixed swamp cooler are mostly to thank for this burst of energy and motivation. Soon I will get to the boxes with my tarot decks in them. I could have gotten them out today, but I'm just not feeling ready yet. I want them, but I don't. Hard to explain. Mercury retrograde menstruation has me all upside-down and inside out.
I really enjoyed tonite's episode of Glee, "The Power of Madonna". I folded my crunchy towels and felt sexy.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
I Write Love On My Arms
I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. I have learned coping skills since then and for the most part I am a positive and happy person. But when life gets stressful and the depression kicks in, it can be hard to practice what I preach. I told a friend last night, "I can't throw myself a life jacket." I was sitting here considering whether or not to call a depression crisis hotline, as I just felt that I needed someone to talk to. But I was scared, I've never called one of those hotlines before. And I kept giving myself excuses. I'm not suicidal, I'm not crying, I'm not cutting myself or self medicating with drugs. But other signs of depression have been here. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep at night. At night I lay awake in near panic-attack mode, my mind spinning with the worries and stresses o my life. In the daytime, I can function, but it's a struggle just to keep myself out of bed. On the days I do go back to bed, I sleep all day. On the days I manage to stay out of bed, I feel that it is all I can do to take care of the kids and the daily household chores. Taking a shower or bath? Too much work. Making important phone calls? Too hard. Eating? Too much effort.So I was stting here looking online at a list of Depresson Hotlines, trying to decide whether or not to call someone. Which one? What would I say? Would they judge me? Would I be wasting my time calling a hotline that says "Suicide Hotline" - when I'm not suicidal? Excuses. I picked up my deck of cards (at the urging of an online friend) and drew a card. The 9 of Swords. (Above). Okay... obvious, right?
I called a local Crisis Hotline. It was the best thing I could have done. The person I talked to was so compassionate and understanding, and seemed to know exactly what to talk to me about. I talked for an hour to a stranger about my life and my feelings, and this phone call was probably the biggest act of self-love that I have taken in a long time. Aside from talking me through my feelings, she gave me some ideas and hope, along with some community refferal numbers to call for further assistance. I guess I'm writing this because I want others to hear first hand that these hotlines can help. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or depressed, call someone. It was the best thing I could have done.
Today is "To Write Love On Her Arms Day". TWLOHA is a Depression Awareness and support group. Each year they ask people to write love on their arms to spread awareness about Depression. As I wrote "Love" on my arm today, I realized how far I have come over the years. Last night I reached out and asked for help. In the past, I wouldn't have done that. I would have silently suffered until I reached my breaking point. Here on my arm where the words Love are written, there used to be scars. The scars have faded and over the years I have finally learned how to Love myself instead of hurt myself.Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Life, New Moon in Capricorn, and The Devil
The past couple of weeks have been exceptionally hard for me and my family. It seems that this time of year we always struggle more financially - things just seem to catch up with us in December. The phrase "When it rains, it pours" is present in my mind these days.
First, along with our financial situation getting really rocky, we found out that my grandma is very sick. She was hospitalized for pneumonia and anemia, and they found cancer in her lungs. Since then her condition has been steadily declining and she probably won't be with us much longer. She lives far away, and I haven't seen her in 10 years. My heart aches because I can't afford to go see her one last time. My two younger children have never even met her, and my oldest was too young to remember the last time we saw her. I wish I could be there with my mom, aunts, uncle, and cousins during this time, but it is just not possible.
Then, we had a heavy blow concerning the house we are buying. Our offer was accepted in November, and we have gone thru the process of the "short sale" and have everything signed except the title. We were planning on moving next week - half of my stuff is packed and ready to go. The papers went to the title company, and when they did the title search, they found that there was a second mortgage on the house - something that the previous owners failed to disclose. So this really sets us back. We have to basically sit and wait while the second bank decides if it is going to allow the sale. Worst case scenario- the second bank repossess the home and puts it up for auction, and we start again looking for a house. I feel lost, confused, depressed. We can't stay in this apartment much longer, it is too small for our family, and we financially can't afford it anymore. Our realtor told us we have an option of going ahead and moving into the house anyways - but if the bank doesn't allow the sale we will have to move out again in a couple months. But - we could live there rent free until the choice is made. So we are faced with this crazy choice -uproot the kids and try to save money and hope for the best, and move again in a few months if it doesn't work out. Or - stay here and continue to struggle, and wait. Either way, it's a waiting game again.
Being a Capricorn, I HATE waiting. I Hate not knowing my future, at least when it comes to things like where my family is going to live.
I feel like I am having trouble trusting my intuition too. Because everything in my heart told me that this was going to be our house, but now I'm not sure anymore. Did I feel that way because I wanted it so bad? It's one of those things - psychic readers and tarot readers will tell you they have trouble reading for themselves, because the emotions and ego get in the way.
Every day I have
been forcing myself through the motions. Get up. Eat. Clean the house. (I have fallen WAY off my FlyLady routines) I didn't even notice that today was the New Moon, and I'm usually on top of watching he moon cycles. Today I have had so much trouble getting moving. Crawling out of bed was a chore in itself, and it's a miracle that I have washed the dishes and gotten dressed but I had to force myself to do even those mundane things. I noticed on a website widget that today is the New Moon. So I pulled out my almanac calendar. As usual with a New Moon, it's been Void of Course most of the day. Perhaps that explains my total lack of feeling today. Looking further, I noticed that tonite, the moon will enter Capricorn. Hmm.. a New Moon in Capricorn. Maybe this is just what I need to get myself out of this rut and back to working again. Maybe the start of this new cycle will bring about a more successful end to my current situation....
I found this New Moon in Capricorn Meditation and I hope to use it tonite to try and get myself back into the spiritual balance that I am craving;
http://www.bemyastrologer.com/rebecca_capricorn_med.html
I have also been thinking about The Devil card - this is the card related to Capricorn. Sometimes, dealing with the harsh realities of life and being forced into certain situations can give us the change of perspective that we need. Being locked in to any situation, or feeling like things are out of our control can wake up our survival instincts and help us make those tough choices that we would otherwise avoid. Alternatively, The Devil deals with temptations, and my temptation is to just allow myself to sink into a depression and self-pity. So which way am I going to go when the New Moon energy manifests? Despite the chains on the Devil card - I am not locked in to this. Because the "Devil" that I am chained to is nothing but my own fear. And as Rebecca Brent's article and meditation point out, my sense of power lies within me, and within my ability to pick up the pieces, get organized, and just keep on going.
First, along with our financial situation getting really rocky, we found out that my grandma is very sick. She was hospitalized for pneumonia and anemia, and they found cancer in her lungs. Since then her condition has been steadily declining and she probably won't be with us much longer. She lives far away, and I haven't seen her in 10 years. My heart aches because I can't afford to go see her one last time. My two younger children have never even met her, and my oldest was too young to remember the last time we saw her. I wish I could be there with my mom, aunts, uncle, and cousins during this time, but it is just not possible.
Then, we had a heavy blow concerning the house we are buying. Our offer was accepted in November, and we have gone thru the process of the "short sale" and have everything signed except the title. We were planning on moving next week - half of my stuff is packed and ready to go. The papers went to the title company, and when they did the title search, they found that there was a second mortgage on the house - something that the previous owners failed to disclose. So this really sets us back. We have to basically sit and wait while the second bank decides if it is going to allow the sale. Worst case scenario- the second bank repossess the home and puts it up for auction, and we start again looking for a house. I feel lost, confused, depressed. We can't stay in this apartment much longer, it is too small for our family, and we financially can't afford it anymore. Our realtor told us we have an option of going ahead and moving into the house anyways - but if the bank doesn't allow the sale we will have to move out again in a couple months. But - we could live there rent free until the choice is made. So we are faced with this crazy choice -uproot the kids and try to save money and hope for the best, and move again in a few months if it doesn't work out. Or - stay here and continue to struggle, and wait. Either way, it's a waiting game again.
Being a Capricorn, I HATE waiting. I Hate not knowing my future, at least when it comes to things like where my family is going to live.
I feel like I am having trouble trusting my intuition too. Because everything in my heart told me that this was going to be our house, but now I'm not sure anymore. Did I feel that way because I wanted it so bad? It's one of those things - psychic readers and tarot readers will tell you they have trouble reading for themselves, because the emotions and ego get in the way.
Every day I have
been forcing myself through the motions. Get up. Eat. Clean the house. (I have fallen WAY off my FlyLady routines) I didn't even notice that today was the New Moon, and I'm usually on top of watching he moon cycles. Today I have had so much trouble getting moving. Crawling out of bed was a chore in itself, and it's a miracle that I have washed the dishes and gotten dressed but I had to force myself to do even those mundane things. I noticed on a website widget that today is the New Moon. So I pulled out my almanac calendar. As usual with a New Moon, it's been Void of Course most of the day. Perhaps that explains my total lack of feeling today. Looking further, I noticed that tonite, the moon will enter Capricorn. Hmm.. a New Moon in Capricorn. Maybe this is just what I need to get myself out of this rut and back to working again. Maybe the start of this new cycle will bring about a more successful end to my current situation....I found this New Moon in Capricorn Meditation and I hope to use it tonite to try and get myself back into the spiritual balance that I am craving;
http://www.bemyastrologer.com/rebecca_capricorn_med.html
I have also been thinking about The Devil card - this is the card related to Capricorn. Sometimes, dealing with the harsh realities of life and being forced into certain situations can give us the change of perspective that we need. Being locked in to any situation, or feeling like things are out of our control can wake up our survival instincts and help us make those tough choices that we would otherwise avoid. Alternatively, The Devil deals with temptations, and my temptation is to just allow myself to sink into a depression and self-pity. So which way am I going to go when the New Moon energy manifests? Despite the chains on the Devil card - I am not locked in to this. Because the "Devil" that I am chained to is nothing but my own fear. And as Rebecca Brent's article and meditation point out, my sense of power lies within me, and within my ability to pick up the pieces, get organized, and just keep on going.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Hopes, Fears, and Real-Estate
We have been waiting 8 weeks to hear anything on the house we are trying to buy. It's in short-sale, so it has been a matter of waiting to hear from the home-owner's bank. Today our realtor called. Our offer of 39,900 falls short, the bank has requested 42,000. Our loan is only approved for 40,000. At this point, with money as tight as it is, we just can't come up with another 2,000 dollars. Our realtor said that she thinks if we put in a counter-offer for $40,500, we would have a good chance of still getting the house. I don't know if we will be able to do it or not, but we will see. So tomorrow there will be a counter-offer put in, for either $40,000 or $40,500, depending on what my parents decide they can do. It is their loan, they are the ones buying the house as an investment loan, and we will be paying the monthly mortgage to my parents. It is so stressful right now. I am trying to stay positive, but I feel like it's one of those "So Close, Yet So Far Away." moments.
Eight weeks of waiting, hoping, praying, and we could get denied all because of $2,000. Or, we could still get approved, with an offer of $40,500 - IF my parents are willing and able to up their original offer by 600 dollars. As I said, so close yet so far away. I feel like I am sitting in a glass room with my family, and everything my family needs is on the other side of that glass wall. I can see it, I can almost touch it, but I can't quite reach it. All I can do is sit here and wait for some unseen force to lift that glass wall. I have prayed, I have offered up my tears to the Heavens....
I can't live in this apartment any more. I feel so cramped, so trapped. My kids need more space. I need more space. If we get this house, our monthly mortgage payment will be LESS than what we pay for rent for this cramped 2 bedroom apartment. I don't ask for a lot. I don't want to be rich or famous. I know we have made mistakes in our past, and that has screwed up our credit, making our options very limited. My parents helping us by buying us a house is more than I ever hoped for, possibly even more than I deserve. But my kids deserve it. They deserve to have separate bedrooms, a backyard to play in, a living room that has room to play. I can't help but feel like time is running out, this window of opportunity is not going to be here forever and yet my hopes and fears lie in the hands of others - of some faceless bank of a homeowner that I don't even know. What do I have to give that can help my kids have a better life? What more can I do but have faith?
Eight weeks of waiting, hoping, praying, and we could get denied all because of $2,000. Or, we could still get approved, with an offer of $40,500 - IF my parents are willing and able to up their original offer by 600 dollars. As I said, so close yet so far away. I feel like I am sitting in a glass room with my family, and everything my family needs is on the other side of that glass wall. I can see it, I can almost touch it, but I can't quite reach it. All I can do is sit here and wait for some unseen force to lift that glass wall. I have prayed, I have offered up my tears to the Heavens....
I can't live in this apartment any more. I feel so cramped, so trapped. My kids need more space. I need more space. If we get this house, our monthly mortgage payment will be LESS than what we pay for rent for this cramped 2 bedroom apartment. I don't ask for a lot. I don't want to be rich or famous. I know we have made mistakes in our past, and that has screwed up our credit, making our options very limited. My parents helping us by buying us a house is more than I ever hoped for, possibly even more than I deserve. But my kids deserve it. They deserve to have separate bedrooms, a backyard to play in, a living room that has room to play. I can't help but feel like time is running out, this window of opportunity is not going to be here forever and yet my hopes and fears lie in the hands of others - of some faceless bank of a homeowner that I don't even know. What do I have to give that can help my kids have a better life? What more can I do but have faith?
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Weekly Housewife's Report 8/21/09
I can't believe it's the end of the week already! For that matter, I can't believe it's the end of the month already!! Where did it go? How can it already be almost September???
What's New?
This week was a time of adjusting to the new back-to-school routines. Miss Zee started 5th grade and Princess A is repeating Kindergarten. (Long story short; she had barley turned 5 when starting K last year, and was struggling, so we felt it would be best for her in the long run if she repeated. She just turned 6 at the beginning of the month, so she is still in the K age bracket, and hopefully this year she can catch on to the concepts and gain some confidence!)
So now that school is back in session, my weekdays consist of more walking. We live close enough to the school that the girls don't ride the bus - and once the summer heat ends the walking is not all that bad. But for now - it's hell. By 8:30 in the morning it is already in the mid 90's, and by 3:00 pm when they get out of school it s been averaging 105. Poor Little Mr. X, I have to drag him along with me on these walks!! By Friday he informed me "I am tired of this!" Sigh.... and no end in sight!! (My Hubby works on the other side of town, and we only have 1 car) On the up side, the girls seem to have had a great first week of school, they like their teachers and have already made new friends!! So it's not all bad. I don't mean to sound so negative.
Home;
I have been sticking to my FlyLady routines, and in the area of housework I have been doing pretty good! I have been managing to keep the house clean, do my Zone Work, Daily Cleaning projects, etc. I should feel proud of myself. This week's Zone was the Bathroom - and my bathroom is pretty well decluttered and organized. As I said, I should feel proud of myself, but I just feel tired. I feel like the end of this week is the end of a long, anti-climactic movie.
Life;
I haven't really been blogging (as some of you have noticed). I think there are two reasons for this; 1 - I have been really busy since school is back in session, getting used to the routines and working, etc. 2 - I haven't felt like myself. I don't feel like I have had anything positive to say, so I just haven't been writing. I don't know why I'm in this funk - maybe it's just because I'm tired and stressed. I try to stay positive but I just haven't been able to find my Happy Place this week. Once again I am trying to figure out how to add in some "me time" and still get everything done. My schedule has been; Walk the kids to school, come home and clean house, walk to pick up the kids, Go to work, Sleep, repeat. I have tried to take time to relax, but I don't feel like it's the kind of quality Me Time that I need and crave. I am craving some true fun, or at least some spiritual enlightenment, but can't seem to find the time for either of those. I am hoping that all I need is some time to adjust to the new schedule and I will bounce back.
the kids are fighting and Miss Zee is sick and wants some tea and her mommy, so I will stop whining now....
What's New?
This week was a time of adjusting to the new back-to-school routines. Miss Zee started 5th grade and Princess A is repeating Kindergarten. (Long story short; she had barley turned 5 when starting K last year, and was struggling, so we felt it would be best for her in the long run if she repeated. She just turned 6 at the beginning of the month, so she is still in the K age bracket, and hopefully this year she can catch on to the concepts and gain some confidence!)
So now that school is back in session, my weekdays consist of more walking. We live close enough to the school that the girls don't ride the bus - and once the summer heat ends the walking is not all that bad. But for now - it's hell. By 8:30 in the morning it is already in the mid 90's, and by 3:00 pm when they get out of school it s been averaging 105. Poor Little Mr. X, I have to drag him along with me on these walks!! By Friday he informed me "I am tired of this!" Sigh.... and no end in sight!! (My Hubby works on the other side of town, and we only have 1 car) On the up side, the girls seem to have had a great first week of school, they like their teachers and have already made new friends!! So it's not all bad. I don't mean to sound so negative.
Home;
I have been sticking to my FlyLady routines, and in the area of housework I have been doing pretty good! I have been managing to keep the house clean, do my Zone Work, Daily Cleaning projects, etc. I should feel proud of myself. This week's Zone was the Bathroom - and my bathroom is pretty well decluttered and organized. As I said, I should feel proud of myself, but I just feel tired. I feel like the end of this week is the end of a long, anti-climactic movie.
Life;
I haven't really been blogging (as some of you have noticed). I think there are two reasons for this; 1 - I have been really busy since school is back in session, getting used to the routines and working, etc. 2 - I haven't felt like myself. I don't feel like I have had anything positive to say, so I just haven't been writing. I don't know why I'm in this funk - maybe it's just because I'm tired and stressed. I try to stay positive but I just haven't been able to find my Happy Place this week. Once again I am trying to figure out how to add in some "me time" and still get everything done. My schedule has been; Walk the kids to school, come home and clean house, walk to pick up the kids, Go to work, Sleep, repeat. I have tried to take time to relax, but I don't feel like it's the kind of quality Me Time that I need and crave. I am craving some true fun, or at least some spiritual enlightenment, but can't seem to find the time for either of those. I am hoping that all I need is some time to adjust to the new schedule and I will bounce back.
the kids are fighting and Miss Zee is sick and wants some tea and her mommy, so I will stop whining now....
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Addiction & Recovery
Reposted from my CafeMom journal....
As most of my friends know, I am currently going thru the journey of quitting smoking. I'm on day 21, though I can't yet say I'm completely smoke-free. I'm taking baby steps and considering that I have been an off-again, on-again heavy smoker for over 10 years, 1 cigarette a day is huge progress for me! This time around I am taking time to learn about myself and heal myself as I go, not punishing myself for my nightly indulgence, but learning, growing. Baby steps.
What most of my friends don't know is that giving up cigarettes is, to me, the final step of my recovery as an addict. Perhaps it's been a smoke-screen, perhaps a coping-mechanism, or perhaps the last physical vice that I've held onto years after letting go of the other drugs. Most of my friends don't know this, but I am a recovering drug addict. This is going on my 9th year drug-free. I am astonished and proud that it has been that long. In December of this year, it will be 9 years since I have touched any Meth or Cocaine. The quitting smoking has brought back a lot of memories and feelings, and sometimes I just want to run back to the comfort of that smoke-screen; my final addiction. I have realized I will always be an addict; I will always have an addictive personality. And I will always be in some state of recovery. But I've also realized I'm ready to move on, I have realized I am so much stronger, happier, and wiser than I was back then, and I hope that others out there will realize that they are strong and wise too. If I can turn my life around, a complete 180, so can anyone else.
I saw this video to a new song by one of my favorite singer/songwriters, and I guess this is what got me thinking about this today. This is what made me realize I'm almost to year 10..... listen to the words, it's an amazing song. I have tears in my eyes but they are tears of pride and joy. Thankyou to all of my friends, because whether you knew this about me or not, your friendships are what keep me going each day....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSCDpgwqxGM&feature=player_embedded
As most of my friends know, I am currently going thru the journey of quitting smoking. I'm on day 21, though I can't yet say I'm completely smoke-free. I'm taking baby steps and considering that I have been an off-again, on-again heavy smoker for over 10 years, 1 cigarette a day is huge progress for me! This time around I am taking time to learn about myself and heal myself as I go, not punishing myself for my nightly indulgence, but learning, growing. Baby steps.
What most of my friends don't know is that giving up cigarettes is, to me, the final step of my recovery as an addict. Perhaps it's been a smoke-screen, perhaps a coping-mechanism, or perhaps the last physical vice that I've held onto years after letting go of the other drugs. Most of my friends don't know this, but I am a recovering drug addict. This is going on my 9th year drug-free. I am astonished and proud that it has been that long. In December of this year, it will be 9 years since I have touched any Meth or Cocaine. The quitting smoking has brought back a lot of memories and feelings, and sometimes I just want to run back to the comfort of that smoke-screen; my final addiction. I have realized I will always be an addict; I will always have an addictive personality. And I will always be in some state of recovery. But I've also realized I'm ready to move on, I have realized I am so much stronger, happier, and wiser than I was back then, and I hope that others out there will realize that they are strong and wise too. If I can turn my life around, a complete 180, so can anyone else.
I saw this video to a new song by one of my favorite singer/songwriters, and I guess this is what got me thinking about this today. This is what made me realize I'm almost to year 10..... listen to the words, it's an amazing song. I have tears in my eyes but they are tears of pride and joy. Thankyou to all of my friends, because whether you knew this about me or not, your friendships are what keep me going each day....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSCDpgwqxGM&feature=player_embedded
Friday, July 31, 2009
Quitting Smoking = Healing My Life (part 1)
So, I've made it to the one week mark. I quit smoking 7 days ago. I've been using the nicotine gum, and doing pretty well! But I have a confession. There is one hurtle I have yet to overcome. That last cigarette before bed. After the kids and hubby are in bed and the housework is done, when it's just me and my thoughts. I have not managed to give up that last cigarette each night. So, the ticker at the top of my page isn't 100% accurate. Take away 6 or 7 cigarettes from the part where it says "Number of Cigarettes Avoided."
But I can't think of myself as a failure. I can't judge myself badly for that. This is a habit that is 10 years in the making. So it's time to look deeper. Why do I feel the need to smoke? What have the cigarettes been a "smoke screen" for?
I have the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay. I have read it, but I haven't really taken the time to apply each lesson to my life. But now I think it's time. Perhaps if I really take the time to work thru some core issues, I can truly give up this habit for good!! Did you know this is my 3rd or 4th time to "Quit" smoking??
I started smoking when I was 17, but just socially. When I was 18, I got pregnant, and quit smoking, but as soon as Miss Z. was born, I started smoking again, and not just socially. I kept smoking until I was 23, when I got pregnant again. So I quit again. After I had Princess A, I didn't start smoking again. Not for 3 years, until after the birth of my 3rd baby. At first, again, it was just socially. When I was drinking, or when I was stressed, but of course, this accumulated to the point of being a full-on smoker again. In '07 I tried to quit again. I made it about 1 month, then started again. I blamed it on stress. I've Always blamed it on stress.
This time, I don't want to start again. I don't want to continue to use smoking as a vice to help me deal with stress. I don't want to lose my commitment as soon as life turns stressful again; and it will!! So I think this time around it will be time for a little more soul-searching. Time to heal not just the addiction, but the roots of the addiction itself!! So, remembering that this book had some great advice for Healing all sorts of problems, I dug it out of my bookshelf, and re-read chapter one.
I'm going to quote some key points from this chapter and then talk about how I can apply these points to my life, right now, and my goal of quitting smoking.
1) Life is really very simple. What we give out, we get back.
The more I stress and worry about quitting, the harder it becomes. If I simply trust that I can do it, I can! I need to fully believe the the Universe / Life will assist me with my goal. Staying positive, uplifting myself, and never criticizing myself will create the positive outcome I desire!! Also, in treating others with love, kindness, respect, sympathy, and support, I will get the same back!!
2) The Universe Totally Supports us in every thought we choose to think and believe.
So, rather than thinking "It is so hard to quit smoking", or "I am having trouble quitting", my thoughts should remain focused on the positive outcome! Affirm!! Celebrate!! "I am a non-smoker!" "I have successfully quit smoking!!" "I am in control of my cravings!! I make healthy choices!!!!"
3) The Universal Power never judges or criticizes us.
When I am struggling, God/dess does not see me as "weak". If I make a mistake, The Universe does not label me as a failure. I should not pass these judgments on myself either! When I see myself in the same loving light that God sees me in, it is so much easier to simply smile and move forward. No "Tallying up the failures", no criticizing the past mistakes.
4) Most of us have Foolish ideas about who we are and many, many rigid rules about how life ought to be lived.
"I need a cigarette to calm down. I need to smoke to wind down. Wow, I'm stressed out, I need to smoke. Quitting smoking is harder than quitting a drug addiction. I can't deal with stress. If someone else is smoking near me, I need to smoke too." These are some examples of some of the beliefs that I have held, some of the attitudes I have had, that have further enabled me to continue smoking. Changing these core beliefs shouldn't be too hard, once I accept that there is no truth behind any of these statements.
5) When we are children, we learn how to feel about ourselves and life by the reactions of the adults around us.
Okay, at this point things get deep. I may have to reserve another blog for this (and the next) entirely. My parents were loving and kind, but not always supportive. ("You just can't stay focused. What were you thinking?") And they were very strict and protective of me. So, thinking of this - am I still smoking because I am STILL, at 29 years old, rebelling against my parents? Do I have trouble quitting because my mom always told me that I was a naive', scatterbrained, silly little girl who could not focus or get things done? (No, she did not say it in those words, or even in a mean way. But this is the feeling I remember.) And then my dad, always so positive, but harshly judgemental at the same time. How would I ever measure up? I remember as a teenager, realizing that I could NEVER live up to their standards, so why try? Then came the smoking, drinking, and drugs.... sigh..... Yes, it is all connected.
6) When we grow up we have a tendency to re-create the emotional environment of our early home life. However, we should not blame our parents for this.
(Louise L. Hay goes on to say that we cannot blame our parents, because they were just recreating what they had learned as children, and they their parents before them. We cannot place the blame on others, because this just creates resentment. And resentment causes illnesses and addiction - it's counterproductive.) In what way am I recreating my home life by smoking? Neither of my parents smoked. But I would agree that they each had their vices and addictions, their ways of avoiding the stress rather than dealing with it. And then I, wanting to rebel, and feeling like I would never be accepted by them, chose smoking as my vice. Perhaps even my previous failed attempts of quitting smoking is just mirroring the way that I always felt that my parents were trapped with each other, trapped in a lifestyle that didn't seem to make them happy. I don't have to be trapped. I'm not trapped, and I don't need to rebel anymore. But I still feel the need for their approval, and I still feel like I will always fall short. Like I said, this may need a whole different blog post. After all, this is just the first chapter!
7) We Choose Our Parents.
Louise L. Hay belives along with myself, and many others, that before we are born we get to choose certain things in our life. We get to choose who our parents will be, and what life lessons we would like to learn. It's good to take time to remember this. No one has perfect parents. No one has a "Perfect" relationship with their parents. It's all part of the human experience. Some may be learning a very difficult lesson; in having no parents, or in having abusive parents. Some simply have to learn to overcome the beliefs instilled by their parents, or to embrace them. So I must ask myself, what wonderful things have I learned from my parents? Because I must have choosen them because of what they could teach me - beyond the negative. I think that from my mother I have learned about Faith and Trust. And from my father I have learned Humor and how to stick with something and not give up, To Go After My Dreams. These things are all lessons that I can utilize to help me quit smoking!
8) The point of power is always in the present moment.
When I am feeling most weak and tempted, I am thinking of my past. I am thinking of how I used to be, how I smoked one cigarette last night, so I obviously can't control myself, and that I should do it again. Or I am thinking of my past feelings of addiction; the past feelings of pleasure I may have had from smoking. I must bring my awareness to the NOW, and remember that past and future do not dictate this moment. My power, my spirit, my thoughts, my beliefs, are HERE and NOW. One of my favorite affirmations is hanging on the wall above my desk. It says; "In the here and now, I am strong. I have Divine energy, wisdom, insight and ability. In this very moment I can accomplish anything I want with my own willpower and spirit! "
9) The only thing we are ever dealing with is Thought, and Thought can be changed.
When I think "I am weak, I need to smoke." or "Gosh I really want a cigarette right now.", these are THOUGHTS. Not realities. If I change my Thoughts, I change my reality. "I am strong. I have done so well. I am really doing great in reaching my goal. This gets easier every day."
10) The innermost belief that creates negativity is "I'm not good enough."
Why is it so hard for most people to look themselves in the mirror and say "I AM WONDERFUL" ? I've got a head start on this one, because my spiritual journey over the past few years has been about learning to Love myself. Fully and Truly. I am still working on it; it's hard to overcome generations and decades of society telling us all that we're not good enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough. But I know, deep inside, that I am worthy of self-respect. I am worthy of love. My body is worthy of being treated like a temple! When I am tempted to smoke, I need only remind myself that I am good enough and worthy of being healthy and free of addictions!
11) Resentment, criticism, guilt, and fear cause more problems than anything else.
Boy, do I know that one. I know and can admit that it was my own feelings of guilt, fear, self -criticism, and inner resentment that caused me to smoke in the first place. As a teenager I began to drink, smoke, and do drugs to try and mask or self-medicate these feelings, but these masks did not help the problem, did not cure the feelings, only made them worse. Worse, but buried. Now they are buried deep, and have probably bee festering for a long time. I've come so far... I have been clean from drugs for 8 years. I hardly ever drink, and never get drunk anymore. So I'm chipping away the mask, little by little. Once I get through this last part, I think I can finally begin to heal these inner feelings which cause much more than just my addictions. Who knows what else in my life can be healed once I face these innermost beasts?
12) We can change our attitude towards the past.
As you might be able to tell from the previous paragraph, I have a rocky past. It's not easy for me to think about it or talk about it. So changing my attitude about it? Hmmm. What I already know is that our past does not have to define our present. I was a drug addict. Not anymore. I was an unmotivated slob, with no housekeeping skills. Not anymore. I was a smoker....
Not Anymore!
13) To release the past, we must be willing to forgive.
True forgiveness can be really hard when you have truly dark things in your past. When I think of my past in terms of forgiveness, I feel those old resentments bubbling up. Anger. Fear. Yes, even Hate. How can I really forgive those who have hurt me? Rape. Physical Abuse. Mental Abuse. Even thinking about it now makes me shake, and suddenly I am fighting an urge to go smoke!! There it is, there is the core of my problems, the roots of my insecurity. Those feelings aren't gone, they are just buried and masked. And hardest of all to forgive is myself. The book says "We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want to forgive, but the very fact that we say we are willing to forgive begins the healing process. It is imperative for our own healing that we release the past and forgive everyone."
I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free.
14) All Dis-Ease comes from a state of unforgiveness.
Whether it be our parents, ourselves, or someone else that has hurt us, I know that holding onto resentment can create no good. Resentment is a thought, and thoughts become feelings, and feelings manifest themselves in physical ways. Have you ever been so stressed that you give yourself a stomach ache? So sad or depressed that you make yourself sick? Resentment might not create these instant illnesses such as headaches or stomach aches, but since it is such a deep feeling it can cause the deeper illnesses. Chronic pain, digestive problems, additions, even cancer. Working on forgiveness; of myself and others, is the true way to Heal my Life.
But I can't think of myself as a failure. I can't judge myself badly for that. This is a habit that is 10 years in the making. So it's time to look deeper. Why do I feel the need to smoke? What have the cigarettes been a "smoke screen" for?
I have the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay. I have read it, but I haven't really taken the time to apply each lesson to my life. But now I think it's time. Perhaps if I really take the time to work thru some core issues, I can truly give up this habit for good!! Did you know this is my 3rd or 4th time to "Quit" smoking??
I started smoking when I was 17, but just socially. When I was 18, I got pregnant, and quit smoking, but as soon as Miss Z. was born, I started smoking again, and not just socially. I kept smoking until I was 23, when I got pregnant again. So I quit again. After I had Princess A, I didn't start smoking again. Not for 3 years, until after the birth of my 3rd baby. At first, again, it was just socially. When I was drinking, or when I was stressed, but of course, this accumulated to the point of being a full-on smoker again. In '07 I tried to quit again. I made it about 1 month, then started again. I blamed it on stress. I've Always blamed it on stress.
This time, I don't want to start again. I don't want to continue to use smoking as a vice to help me deal with stress. I don't want to lose my commitment as soon as life turns stressful again; and it will!! So I think this time around it will be time for a little more soul-searching. Time to heal not just the addiction, but the roots of the addiction itself!! So, remembering that this book had some great advice for Healing all sorts of problems, I dug it out of my bookshelf, and re-read chapter one.
I'm going to quote some key points from this chapter and then talk about how I can apply these points to my life, right now, and my goal of quitting smoking.
1) Life is really very simple. What we give out, we get back.
The more I stress and worry about quitting, the harder it becomes. If I simply trust that I can do it, I can! I need to fully believe the the Universe / Life will assist me with my goal. Staying positive, uplifting myself, and never criticizing myself will create the positive outcome I desire!! Also, in treating others with love, kindness, respect, sympathy, and support, I will get the same back!!
2) The Universe Totally Supports us in every thought we choose to think and believe.
So, rather than thinking "It is so hard to quit smoking", or "I am having trouble quitting", my thoughts should remain focused on the positive outcome! Affirm!! Celebrate!! "I am a non-smoker!" "I have successfully quit smoking!!" "I am in control of my cravings!! I make healthy choices!!!!"
3) The Universal Power never judges or criticizes us.
When I am struggling, God/dess does not see me as "weak". If I make a mistake, The Universe does not label me as a failure. I should not pass these judgments on myself either! When I see myself in the same loving light that God sees me in, it is so much easier to simply smile and move forward. No "Tallying up the failures", no criticizing the past mistakes.
4) Most of us have Foolish ideas about who we are and many, many rigid rules about how life ought to be lived.
"I need a cigarette to calm down. I need to smoke to wind down. Wow, I'm stressed out, I need to smoke. Quitting smoking is harder than quitting a drug addiction. I can't deal with stress. If someone else is smoking near me, I need to smoke too." These are some examples of some of the beliefs that I have held, some of the attitudes I have had, that have further enabled me to continue smoking. Changing these core beliefs shouldn't be too hard, once I accept that there is no truth behind any of these statements.
5) When we are children, we learn how to feel about ourselves and life by the reactions of the adults around us.
Okay, at this point things get deep. I may have to reserve another blog for this (and the next) entirely. My parents were loving and kind, but not always supportive. ("You just can't stay focused. What were you thinking?") And they were very strict and protective of me. So, thinking of this - am I still smoking because I am STILL, at 29 years old, rebelling against my parents? Do I have trouble quitting because my mom always told me that I was a naive', scatterbrained, silly little girl who could not focus or get things done? (No, she did not say it in those words, or even in a mean way. But this is the feeling I remember.) And then my dad, always so positive, but harshly judgemental at the same time. How would I ever measure up? I remember as a teenager, realizing that I could NEVER live up to their standards, so why try? Then came the smoking, drinking, and drugs.... sigh..... Yes, it is all connected.
6) When we grow up we have a tendency to re-create the emotional environment of our early home life. However, we should not blame our parents for this.
(Louise L. Hay goes on to say that we cannot blame our parents, because they were just recreating what they had learned as children, and they their parents before them. We cannot place the blame on others, because this just creates resentment. And resentment causes illnesses and addiction - it's counterproductive.) In what way am I recreating my home life by smoking? Neither of my parents smoked. But I would agree that they each had their vices and addictions, their ways of avoiding the stress rather than dealing with it. And then I, wanting to rebel, and feeling like I would never be accepted by them, chose smoking as my vice. Perhaps even my previous failed attempts of quitting smoking is just mirroring the way that I always felt that my parents were trapped with each other, trapped in a lifestyle that didn't seem to make them happy. I don't have to be trapped. I'm not trapped, and I don't need to rebel anymore. But I still feel the need for their approval, and I still feel like I will always fall short. Like I said, this may need a whole different blog post. After all, this is just the first chapter!
7) We Choose Our Parents.
Louise L. Hay belives along with myself, and many others, that before we are born we get to choose certain things in our life. We get to choose who our parents will be, and what life lessons we would like to learn. It's good to take time to remember this. No one has perfect parents. No one has a "Perfect" relationship with their parents. It's all part of the human experience. Some may be learning a very difficult lesson; in having no parents, or in having abusive parents. Some simply have to learn to overcome the beliefs instilled by their parents, or to embrace them. So I must ask myself, what wonderful things have I learned from my parents? Because I must have choosen them because of what they could teach me - beyond the negative. I think that from my mother I have learned about Faith and Trust. And from my father I have learned Humor and how to stick with something and not give up, To Go After My Dreams. These things are all lessons that I can utilize to help me quit smoking!
8) The point of power is always in the present moment.
When I am feeling most weak and tempted, I am thinking of my past. I am thinking of how I used to be, how I smoked one cigarette last night, so I obviously can't control myself, and that I should do it again. Or I am thinking of my past feelings of addiction; the past feelings of pleasure I may have had from smoking. I must bring my awareness to the NOW, and remember that past and future do not dictate this moment. My power, my spirit, my thoughts, my beliefs, are HERE and NOW. One of my favorite affirmations is hanging on the wall above my desk. It says; "In the here and now, I am strong. I have Divine energy, wisdom, insight and ability. In this very moment I can accomplish anything I want with my own willpower and spirit! "
9) The only thing we are ever dealing with is Thought, and Thought can be changed.
When I think "I am weak, I need to smoke." or "Gosh I really want a cigarette right now.", these are THOUGHTS. Not realities. If I change my Thoughts, I change my reality. "I am strong. I have done so well. I am really doing great in reaching my goal. This gets easier every day."
10) The innermost belief that creates negativity is "I'm not good enough."
Why is it so hard for most people to look themselves in the mirror and say "I AM WONDERFUL" ? I've got a head start on this one, because my spiritual journey over the past few years has been about learning to Love myself. Fully and Truly. I am still working on it; it's hard to overcome generations and decades of society telling us all that we're not good enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough. But I know, deep inside, that I am worthy of self-respect. I am worthy of love. My body is worthy of being treated like a temple! When I am tempted to smoke, I need only remind myself that I am good enough and worthy of being healthy and free of addictions!
11) Resentment, criticism, guilt, and fear cause more problems than anything else.
Boy, do I know that one. I know and can admit that it was my own feelings of guilt, fear, self -criticism, and inner resentment that caused me to smoke in the first place. As a teenager I began to drink, smoke, and do drugs to try and mask or self-medicate these feelings, but these masks did not help the problem, did not cure the feelings, only made them worse. Worse, but buried. Now they are buried deep, and have probably bee festering for a long time. I've come so far... I have been clean from drugs for 8 years. I hardly ever drink, and never get drunk anymore. So I'm chipping away the mask, little by little. Once I get through this last part, I think I can finally begin to heal these inner feelings which cause much more than just my addictions. Who knows what else in my life can be healed once I face these innermost beasts?
12) We can change our attitude towards the past.
As you might be able to tell from the previous paragraph, I have a rocky past. It's not easy for me to think about it or talk about it. So changing my attitude about it? Hmmm. What I already know is that our past does not have to define our present. I was a drug addict. Not anymore. I was an unmotivated slob, with no housekeeping skills. Not anymore. I was a smoker....
Not Anymore!
13) To release the past, we must be willing to forgive.
True forgiveness can be really hard when you have truly dark things in your past. When I think of my past in terms of forgiveness, I feel those old resentments bubbling up. Anger. Fear. Yes, even Hate. How can I really forgive those who have hurt me? Rape. Physical Abuse. Mental Abuse. Even thinking about it now makes me shake, and suddenly I am fighting an urge to go smoke!! There it is, there is the core of my problems, the roots of my insecurity. Those feelings aren't gone, they are just buried and masked. And hardest of all to forgive is myself. The book says "We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want to forgive, but the very fact that we say we are willing to forgive begins the healing process. It is imperative for our own healing that we release the past and forgive everyone."
I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free.
14) All Dis-Ease comes from a state of unforgiveness.
Whether it be our parents, ourselves, or someone else that has hurt us, I know that holding onto resentment can create no good. Resentment is a thought, and thoughts become feelings, and feelings manifest themselves in physical ways. Have you ever been so stressed that you give yourself a stomach ache? So sad or depressed that you make yourself sick? Resentment might not create these instant illnesses such as headaches or stomach aches, but since it is such a deep feeling it can cause the deeper illnesses. Chronic pain, digestive problems, additions, even cancer. Working on forgiveness; of myself and others, is the true way to Heal my Life.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Moon
This was my card for today, and it certainly seems fitting. I needed a day of rest. I gave myself something that a mom really never gets - a Day Off. I happily neglected the housework, lounged in my pajamas, drinking chai tea and reading. Chatting on the phone, blogging (yep this is my third blog of the day!) and just letting the kids run wild and watch t.v. all day. Yep, I took the day off and I might regret it tomorrow seeing as the house is a mess, the children are dirty and spoiled, and somehow I still feel tired. Oh but wait, that could be the effect of the pain medication I took earlier to ward off the cramps and headaches!! Yes, ladies and gents (if you're still here) she's B.U.I.,(Blogging Under the Influence) and menstrual to boot!
So what is it about this card that keeps drawing me back? I just keep having the feeling that I need to explore it more deeply, to take the time to really meditate on it, because I think, perhaps, this card was referring to more in my life than my monthly cycle.
This is the card from The Housewives Tarot by Jude Buffum and Paul Kepple. Yep, that looks like me today, although I don't think I have truly slept that deeply and peacefully in a long....... long....... time.
Here's what the guidebook says;
"A nightly ritual of mud masks, curlers, and hairnets, can provide much more than just peaches-and-cream skin and perfect curls. While your body gets it's beauty rest, your unconscious mind is providing dreams with hints and tips for your waking hours. The moon suggests that listening to your instincts and intuitions can help you through times of change and uncertainty."
Well, I know the importance of taking care of myself, taking time for myself, and pampering, though I certainly don't apply this knowledge on a regular basis. I rarely remember my dreams, but I understand that this card isn't necessarily about the dreams, but about the door to communication with one's subconscious, inner self, and how that door is only opened when one really takes some quiet time, some down time, and some time for self-care. My "day off" was much needed. I am often keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to think; much less notice where I'm going. What dreams have I put off or put aside just in the pursuit of the daily routines?
And to take it a step further, to satisfy my craving for wanting to understand this card in my life right now and today, I'll do a little extra tarot journaling. These questions are from the book "Tarot For Yourself" by Mary K. Greer. Here goes; blogging from the heart - another moment of vulnerability....
So what is it about this card that keeps drawing me back? I just keep having the feeling that I need to explore it more deeply, to take the time to really meditate on it, because I think, perhaps, this card was referring to more in my life than my monthly cycle.
This is the card from The Housewives Tarot by Jude Buffum and Paul Kepple. Yep, that looks like me today, although I don't think I have truly slept that deeply and peacefully in a long....... long....... time.
Here's what the guidebook says;
"A nightly ritual of mud masks, curlers, and hairnets, can provide much more than just peaches-and-cream skin and perfect curls. While your body gets it's beauty rest, your unconscious mind is providing dreams with hints and tips for your waking hours. The moon suggests that listening to your instincts and intuitions can help you through times of change and uncertainty."
Well, I know the importance of taking care of myself, taking time for myself, and pampering, though I certainly don't apply this knowledge on a regular basis. I rarely remember my dreams, but I understand that this card isn't necessarily about the dreams, but about the door to communication with one's subconscious, inner self, and how that door is only opened when one really takes some quiet time, some down time, and some time for self-care. My "day off" was much needed. I am often keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to think; much less notice where I'm going. What dreams have I put off or put aside just in the pursuit of the daily routines?
And to take it a step further, to satisfy my craving for wanting to understand this card in my life right now and today, I'll do a little extra tarot journaling. These questions are from the book "Tarot For Yourself" by Mary K. Greer. Here goes; blogging from the heart - another moment of vulnerability....
- What have you forgotten? - I think I've forgotten to take my own advice. I've forgotten to meditate regularly, take care of my health, and give myself some quiet time. In the pursuit of being a good housewife and getting organized, I have forgotten my other goals; looking for a house, spending more quality time with the kids, etc.
- What do you instinctively want to do? - Crawl in a hole. Or at least into bed. That's all I have really felt like doing today, and yesterday. I think that I get to this point (comes once a month) and my body and mind just instinctively want to shut down, sit a couple rounds out. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe it's okay to give myself this down time once a month.....
- What kind of cycle or pattern are you repeating? - LOL - welllll. Other than the obvious, physical "cycle", I know that this is a common cycle for me; to be super-motivated, energized, taking on new challenges and goals, feeling on top of the world, and then reaching a point of being utterly overwhelmed, tired, depressed, apathetic, and prone to angry outbursts or just wanting to cry. Is it PMS? PMDD? ADD? BiPolar? Or is it just my personality - The Fool - coming through? Or do I just take on too much and forget to take care of myself and create this self-destructive cycle over and over again?
- What is bewildering or confusing you? - I think my answer to the above question states my confusion pretty clearly. Do I need help, or just to accept this as a part of who I am? Do I need therapy? Medication? Psychic healing? Reiki? Or do I just need to understand and accept these cycles for what they are? Or do I just need a break from my life every once in awhile?
- What is real and what is illusory? - Hmm. I guess that's the question then, isn't it? What is real? -- My Mood Swings are Real. My issues with Anger and Depression are Real. My periods are a Real pain in the @$$. What are my illusions? -- I am alone. I can't deal with this. No one cares. My family would be better off without me. I can't get help.
The thing about the moon is, it shines a light on the dark places. It makes you look at things that you wouldn't have seen before, and often times, things look a lot scarier in the moonlight than they do in the daylight. But if you can get yourself to take a good look at something in the dark, when morning comes it's not so scary anymore - and it becomes something new.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Week Ahead ~ Tarot Reading
I decided to give myself a Tarot card reading. After some debate, since there are so many different spreads to use, I decided on a spread called "The Week Ahead" in which you draw 7 cards; one for each day of the week. Here's what I got and my thoughts on each card. It will be interesting to reflect on these cards and find how they apply to my life in the coming week.
*note - I started writing this blog Saturday night, didn't finish it, and am just now posting it, added a couple notes to the Sunday & Monday cards...
Card 1; Sunday - Two of Wands
Card 2; Monday - The High Priestess
Card 3; Tuesday - The Moon
Card 4; Wednesday - Six of Swords
Card 5; Thursday - The Magician
Card 6; Friday - The Sun
Card 7; Saturday - Four of Pentacles
Sum of The Digits - The Chariot
Initial Thoughts/Overview - Wow, four Major Arcana cards right off the bat! I tend to think of the Major Arcana as the cards representing your soul / spirit, while the Minor Arcana represent your physical life. Higher workings vs. lower workings, so to speak, though no cards are more important than the others in a reading, some can hold prominence or importance. The High Priestess, The Moon, The Magician, and The Sun seem to be saying that I may be working on some deep internal spiritual issues this week; facing and embracing parts of myself and my life that I haven't yet faced or embraced. The Sun card appearing towards the end of the week, along with The Chariot as my "Sum of The Digits" card seem to indicate that I will be happy and empowered by whatever outcome I reach through my inner wanderings. I also find it really interesting that there are very obvious pairs within this reading; The Magician & The High Priestess and The Sun & The Moon.... although they aren't next to eachother, their presence in the same reading indicates a powerful Yin-Yang/Masculine-Feminine/ Polarities working together in some way. And in the way these cards are paired together there also seems to be some connection; The High Priestess & The Moon = secrets, intuition, something hidden being revealed; The Magician & The Sun - Mastery of Energy, Power, Confidence. Hmmmmm..... although right now I can't see exactly what my life as a housewife might bring me that stirs the energy of such powerful archetypes and pairings, it nonetheless seems somehow important. Among the Minor Arcana cards in the reading, I have Wands, Swords, and Pentacles (one of each) but no Cups are present in the reading. Therefore I have Earth, Fire, and Air energies present, but no Water element, perhaps indicating that whatever I face this week will not deal with emotions, feelings, or my love life, but instead be focused in the realms of Mind, Action, and Body. Or, perhaps indicating that I will need to incorporate the missing water energy into my life?? Just a thought....
Indvidually- Card meanings from Joan Bunning's "Learning The Tarot (link below)(*affirmations are from the book "Tarot For Yourself" by Mary K. Greer)
Sunday / Two of Wands - Having the world in my hands, seeing the bigger picture, feeling empowered and in-control of my own energy and power. I will be working (waitressing) most of the day Sunday, and I think that this card indicates that I will definatley be feeling "In my element", in control, and original. This card also indicates being able to speak my mind and deal with any issues head-on. I find it interesting that among the "Related Cards" listed by Joan Bunning in her book and website, I have a few of these cards also appearing in my reading. Opposing card - The High Priestess - "being passive, staying in the background"
Reinforcing Cards - The Magician - "Personal power", The Sun - "Brilliance, vitality, greatness" and The Chariot - "personal power, command" All in all, a positive card for my day at work and also at home.
* Affirmation for the day; "I have the power of Choice."
** note (monday) Yesterday I actually had an IM converstation with someone I have been avoiding. Long story short - we used to be friends, but not any more. I did actually stand my ground and basically told her that I can forgive her, but I can't trust her. Don't know if she understood, but at least I stood my ground and spoke my mind. Oh yeah, and I definatley had a good day at work, too!! I just kept reminding myself that it was my choice to have a good day or not!
Monday / High Priestess - Listening to my intuition or inner voice, Seeking a deeper truth or an answer, feeling feminine, looking beyond the mundane, seeking spiritual truths, being innactive, passive, calm, or receptive.
* Affirmation for the day; "The answer I seek is within myself, awiting my question."
** note (Monday) I haven't done any housework today, and I am more feeling like crawling back into bed and finishing reading "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows" - yep - seeking answers to a mystery. On a side note (TMI) - I got my monthly gift from Mother Nature today. Talk about dealing with some deep issues. During my monthly AF I have to deal with a part of myself that I don't like very much, I get so irritable and depressed. I think I have PMDD or whatever it's called. I just have to remember to take it easy. And yes, I am feeling rather reclusive. For example I still haven't finished writing this blog post yet!
Tuesday / The Moon - Dealing with cycles, facing fears, looking within, hidden secrets or enemies revealed, giving in to the "Shadow self", anxiety, being distracted, temporarily led astray, going on instincts, feeling lost, wandering aimlessly.
Opposing cards (that appear in this reading) The Sun - Hopefully this indicates that this shadow will not last long. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel!
*Affirmation for the day; "I am impelled to move beyond my fears and insecurities, I am willing to walk the path to self knowledge through the unknown inner realms of myself."
** Side note - (Monday) - On Saturday when I drew this card, I had no idea how it would be presenting itself. Now that I have gotten my little gift from mother nature, I am pretty sure I know what it relates to. The first couple days are always the worst.
Wednesday / 6 of Swords - Having "The Blues", feeling down or apathetic, moving into a new state of consciousness, taking the lessons learned and moving forward, starting to cope, dealing with a trauma, feeling hope again, functioning, but not much more.
*Affirmation for the day; "I gain perspective on problems and issues by changing my direction and focus."
** I think that I would do best to continue to take it easy through wednesday, but I should begin to feel like myself again. Moving forward, regaining my motivation and momentum step by step. But I will have to be careful not to overdo it, or I could end up taking steps backward rather than forward. A change of focus or change of scenery might do me some good.
Thursday / The Magician - Taking action, acting consciously, Concentrating, experiencing power, being commited, applying willpower, using talents, understanding intentions, becoming energized, having vitality.
* Affirmation for the day; "I am a willing channel for the manifestation of Spirit in the world."
** This seems to fit. Usually by the 4th day of my "MoonFlow" I am beginning to feel better. As long as I don't push myself too hard in the days before Thursday, I should be ready by Thursday to pick up the pieces and really feel refreshed, motivated, and empowered again!
Friday / The Sun - Becoming enlightened, Experiencing greatness, feeling vitality, having assurane, being playful or joyful, being child-like, being confident, invigorated, realizing the truth, attaining new insights, understanding.
*Affirmation for the day; "I create warmth and light with my clarity and enthusiasm."
** Hopefully a definate change of tides. No wonder my husband thinks I'm crazy once a month, If I can go from the HP and the Moon, to The Magician and The Sun in one week's time!! No wonder I FEEL crazy during this time. It's black and white, from the depths to the peaks. And I'll probably go through it all again next month.
Saturday / Four of Pentacles - Penny-pinching, saving, getting my share, wanting to be in charge, imposing structure, declaring ownership, resisting change.
* Affirmation for the day; "I hold my power in my own hands; my security lies within."
** It's back to work for me on this day. Another day waitressing and trying to get tips to make ends meet. There are some bills due that I will need money to pay, and I will definatley be working on making ends meet, perhaps stressing over money and control issues. Looks like it's back to the norm for me....LOL
Sum of the Digits / The Chariot- when you add together all the numbers of the cards in a reading and reduce it down to a smaller number, this represents your Sum-of-the-Digits card. This is often seen as the "Outcome Card" or the "Advice" card. Victory, Will, Self-Assertion, Hard Control, Determination, reaching a goal, asserting your will, having faith in yourself, mastering emotions, maintaining discipline, holding in or controling anger.
*Affirmation for the week; "By harnessing all my forces toward my purpose and controlling my fears, I victoriously meet my challenges."
** Even though I am obviously having a rough week (because of AF), I need to remember to maintain a level of control over my emotions, apply my power and self-discipline when and where I can, and have confidence in myself and my abilities to deal with this.
rescources;
Joan Bunning's Learning the Tarot Website
"Tarot For Yourself" by Mary K. Greer
*note - I started writing this blog Saturday night, didn't finish it, and am just now posting it, added a couple notes to the Sunday & Monday cards...
Card 1; Sunday - Two of Wands
Card 2; Monday - The High Priestess
Card 3; Tuesday - The Moon
Card 4; Wednesday - Six of Swords
Card 5; Thursday - The Magician
Card 6; Friday - The Sun
Card 7; Saturday - Four of Pentacles
Sum of The Digits - The Chariot
Initial Thoughts/Overview - Wow, four Major Arcana cards right off the bat! I tend to think of the Major Arcana as the cards representing your soul / spirit, while the Minor Arcana represent your physical life. Higher workings vs. lower workings, so to speak, though no cards are more important than the others in a reading, some can hold prominence or importance. The High Priestess, The Moon, The Magician, and The Sun seem to be saying that I may be working on some deep internal spiritual issues this week; facing and embracing parts of myself and my life that I haven't yet faced or embraced. The Sun card appearing towards the end of the week, along with The Chariot as my "Sum of The Digits" card seem to indicate that I will be happy and empowered by whatever outcome I reach through my inner wanderings. I also find it really interesting that there are very obvious pairs within this reading; The Magician & The High Priestess and The Sun & The Moon.... although they aren't next to eachother, their presence in the same reading indicates a powerful Yin-Yang/Masculine-Feminine/ Polarities working together in some way. And in the way these cards are paired together there also seems to be some connection; The High Priestess & The Moon = secrets, intuition, something hidden being revealed; The Magician & The Sun - Mastery of Energy, Power, Confidence. Hmmmmm..... although right now I can't see exactly what my life as a housewife might bring me that stirs the energy of such powerful archetypes and pairings, it nonetheless seems somehow important. Among the Minor Arcana cards in the reading, I have Wands, Swords, and Pentacles (one of each) but no Cups are present in the reading. Therefore I have Earth, Fire, and Air energies present, but no Water element, perhaps indicating that whatever I face this week will not deal with emotions, feelings, or my love life, but instead be focused in the realms of Mind, Action, and Body. Or, perhaps indicating that I will need to incorporate the missing water energy into my life?? Just a thought....
Indvidually- Card meanings from Joan Bunning's "Learning The Tarot (link below)(*affirmations are from the book "Tarot For Yourself" by Mary K. Greer)
Sunday / Two of Wands - Having the world in my hands, seeing the bigger picture, feeling empowered and in-control of my own energy and power. I will be working (waitressing) most of the day Sunday, and I think that this card indicates that I will definatley be feeling "In my element", in control, and original. This card also indicates being able to speak my mind and deal with any issues head-on. I find it interesting that among the "Related Cards" listed by Joan Bunning in her book and website, I have a few of these cards also appearing in my reading. Opposing card - The High Priestess - "being passive, staying in the background"
Reinforcing Cards - The Magician - "Personal power", The Sun - "Brilliance, vitality, greatness" and The Chariot - "personal power, command" All in all, a positive card for my day at work and also at home.
* Affirmation for the day; "I have the power of Choice."
** note (monday) Yesterday I actually had an IM converstation with someone I have been avoiding. Long story short - we used to be friends, but not any more. I did actually stand my ground and basically told her that I can forgive her, but I can't trust her. Don't know if she understood, but at least I stood my ground and spoke my mind. Oh yeah, and I definatley had a good day at work, too!! I just kept reminding myself that it was my choice to have a good day or not!
Monday / High Priestess - Listening to my intuition or inner voice, Seeking a deeper truth or an answer, feeling feminine, looking beyond the mundane, seeking spiritual truths, being innactive, passive, calm, or receptive.
* Affirmation for the day; "The answer I seek is within myself, awiting my question."
** note (Monday) I haven't done any housework today, and I am more feeling like crawling back into bed and finishing reading "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows" - yep - seeking answers to a mystery. On a side note (TMI) - I got my monthly gift from Mother Nature today. Talk about dealing with some deep issues. During my monthly AF I have to deal with a part of myself that I don't like very much, I get so irritable and depressed. I think I have PMDD or whatever it's called. I just have to remember to take it easy. And yes, I am feeling rather reclusive. For example I still haven't finished writing this blog post yet!
Tuesday / The Moon - Dealing with cycles, facing fears, looking within, hidden secrets or enemies revealed, giving in to the "Shadow self", anxiety, being distracted, temporarily led astray, going on instincts, feeling lost, wandering aimlessly.
Opposing cards (that appear in this reading) The Sun - Hopefully this indicates that this shadow will not last long. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel!
*Affirmation for the day; "I am impelled to move beyond my fears and insecurities, I am willing to walk the path to self knowledge through the unknown inner realms of myself."
** Side note - (Monday) - On Saturday when I drew this card, I had no idea how it would be presenting itself. Now that I have gotten my little gift from mother nature, I am pretty sure I know what it relates to. The first couple days are always the worst.
Wednesday / 6 of Swords - Having "The Blues", feeling down or apathetic, moving into a new state of consciousness, taking the lessons learned and moving forward, starting to cope, dealing with a trauma, feeling hope again, functioning, but not much more.
*Affirmation for the day; "I gain perspective on problems and issues by changing my direction and focus."
** I think that I would do best to continue to take it easy through wednesday, but I should begin to feel like myself again. Moving forward, regaining my motivation and momentum step by step. But I will have to be careful not to overdo it, or I could end up taking steps backward rather than forward. A change of focus or change of scenery might do me some good.
Thursday / The Magician - Taking action, acting consciously, Concentrating, experiencing power, being commited, applying willpower, using talents, understanding intentions, becoming energized, having vitality.
* Affirmation for the day; "I am a willing channel for the manifestation of Spirit in the world."
** This seems to fit. Usually by the 4th day of my "MoonFlow" I am beginning to feel better. As long as I don't push myself too hard in the days before Thursday, I should be ready by Thursday to pick up the pieces and really feel refreshed, motivated, and empowered again!
Friday / The Sun - Becoming enlightened, Experiencing greatness, feeling vitality, having assurane, being playful or joyful, being child-like, being confident, invigorated, realizing the truth, attaining new insights, understanding.
*Affirmation for the day; "I create warmth and light with my clarity and enthusiasm."
** Hopefully a definate change of tides. No wonder my husband thinks I'm crazy once a month, If I can go from the HP and the Moon, to The Magician and The Sun in one week's time!! No wonder I FEEL crazy during this time. It's black and white, from the depths to the peaks. And I'll probably go through it all again next month.
Saturday / Four of Pentacles - Penny-pinching, saving, getting my share, wanting to be in charge, imposing structure, declaring ownership, resisting change.
* Affirmation for the day; "I hold my power in my own hands; my security lies within."
** It's back to work for me on this day. Another day waitressing and trying to get tips to make ends meet. There are some bills due that I will need money to pay, and I will definatley be working on making ends meet, perhaps stressing over money and control issues. Looks like it's back to the norm for me....LOL
Sum of the Digits / The Chariot- when you add together all the numbers of the cards in a reading and reduce it down to a smaller number, this represents your Sum-of-the-Digits card. This is often seen as the "Outcome Card" or the "Advice" card. Victory, Will, Self-Assertion, Hard Control, Determination, reaching a goal, asserting your will, having faith in yourself, mastering emotions, maintaining discipline, holding in or controling anger.
*Affirmation for the week; "By harnessing all my forces toward my purpose and controlling my fears, I victoriously meet my challenges."
** Even though I am obviously having a rough week (because of AF), I need to remember to maintain a level of control over my emotions, apply my power and self-discipline when and where I can, and have confidence in myself and my abilities to deal with this.
rescources;
Joan Bunning's Learning the Tarot Website
"Tarot For Yourself" by Mary K. Greer
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Epiphany of The Hanged Man (or Woman)
my epiphany...
I've had a busy weekend. I worked Friday night and Saturday morning, then Saturday nite I went to see a movie with a friend and then back to work again today. (Sunday) I'm suprisingly awake and chipper although I only had 5 hours of sleep last night. I stayed up late talking on the phone with a close friend. It was one of those long conversations that covers many topics, and doesn't seem to have an ending. I had to force myself to say goodbye around 1:30 am. This was the beginning of my epiphany.
There has been something rattling around in the back of my consciousness for quite some time, especially after my long phone call last night. It has been more present in my thoughts today, and I'm feeling a little turned around because of it. We were talking about my daughter's ADHD, and depression in general, and my friend was telling me about her own diagnosis as Bi-Polar. Myself, I've been in and out of Dr.s' offices to occasionally get help for my depression, but never seem to have insurance long enough to really get a solid diagnosis. I've resisted the labels as long as I could; Borderline Personality, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, general Clinical Depression, Post-Partum Depression. But there was always one label that kept popping back into my head. Bi-Polar Disorder. Too many of the textbook symptoms seem to fit. And thanks to journaling, I have noticed a clear and undeniable pattern of cycles. Some things that my friend said to me really seemed to bring it all home and hit the nail on the head. I finally began to admit to myself that I may be BiPolar. Of course, I will leave it to the professionals to officially diagnose me as they will.... when I get to the point of being able to go to someone.... if and when I decide I need to do that. This is what has been rattling in my head all day; you understand the resulting feeling of being a bit turned around today.
Finally at home, I am wondering what to Blog about today. I decide I'll pull a card from my trust Housewives Tarot deck (by Paul Kepple and Jude Buffum) to do my Daily Draw. Just wanting to do a general reading, I don't really focus on a specific question, but simply ask the Housewives to show me something that I need to see.
The Hanged Man
"* Epiphany * Hardship * A Turning Point *
"You've had an epiphany and finally see things as they really are. Whether its your backstabbing girlfriend, your new washer/dryer set that isn't working, or a womanizing no-goodnick husband, it's time to hang your problems out to dry. This may seem like a hard thing to do, but you must. Enough is enough!! Keep in mind that this sacrifice and time of hardshp is necessary to make way for future happiness." (~ from the guidebook for The Houswives Tarot by P. Kepple and J. Buffum.)
Talk about In-Your-Face! I had to laugh. "Okay, okay, I GET IT.!!" Somehow I feel better. I feel peaceful and accepting. But also a little nervous. The classic version of this card from the Rider-Waite deck (also pictured above) tells me that sometimes we have to be forced into an uncomfortable situation in order to change our perspective and therefore reach enlightenment. It refers to the sacrifice of personal comforts in order to better understand ourselves. Latley I have been going thru one of my super-motivated, inspired, creative, happy stages. I don't want it to end. It shouldn't. But if and when it does, it will only confirm my suspicions. I only hope that I will find the courage to reach out, and admit it if I need help.
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