Festival of Sarasvati - Ritual for Inspiration and Wisdom

The Festival of Sarasvati is traditionally held in India on the New Moon that falls closest to January 12th, or on January 12th itself. The festival is known as The Besant Panchami, or Duwat Puja. Since Sarasvati is the Goddess of Learning, Writing, and book-keeping, it was traditional to clean the ink stands and pens. Since last night was the New Moon, with January 12th just around the corner, when I found this ritual I knew it would be perfect for me! I was born on January 12, Sarasvati's Festival day.... is it a coincidence that I love to write and learn? I think I have been blessed by this Goddess throughout my life... though it took me 30 years to find Her.

SARASVATI -
Often depicted as a beautiful woman with 4 arms, she rules over the arts of civilization such as all branches of learning, writing, communication, the alphabet, math, and calendars. She is often called upon to bring inspiration, knowledge, wisdom, and to clear away sluggishness of the mind and ignorance.

The ritual I found is from the book, "Moon Magick" by D.J. Conway. (Can you tell I love this book? I'll probably reference it often throughout the year, it's so fabulous!) The book suggests honoring Sarasvati at the time of the New Moon in January, after New Years Day, but I think it could be held at any time you want some inspiration and help from Sarasvati. Here I will outline what I did for last night's ritual.

I actually started on the 3rd, by cleaning out my computer desk. I cleaned out the paper caddy on top of the desk and put important papers into files and threw away the junk. I cleaned out three desk drawers on the 3rd, doing the same thing - filing the important stuff and throwing away the junk. This was actually an important part of the ritual for me... and I found it very fitting to do this so close to the New Year... getting a fresh start with paperwork, so to speak. On the 4th I continued and completed my project of clearing out the desk. I had books that needed to be put back in place, scraps of paper to be thrown away, things to be filed.... but I did it and it feels great!! The book also suggests organizing and dusting your book shelves, and dusting/cleaning your computer area and keyboard. Basically clean up any area that you use to read, write, and learn.

Next, I set up my altar. I have The Goddess Tarot by Kris Waldherr, and I found that the equivalent of The High Priestess in this deck is called Wisdom and depicts Sarasvati. Since I don't have a statue of Sarasvati to put on my altar, I used this tarot card. If you don't have anything, you can perhaps print a picture of her from the internet, draw a picture of her, or at least write her name on a note card to place on your altar. I surrounded her with flowers, and I laid out a fresh clean peice of paper and a pen, and a white candle. I also added the two tarot cards that relate to the current moon cycle - Death for the New Moon in Capricorn and The Chariot for the upcoming Full Moon in Cancer (Capricorn's polarity). Since I was already using The Goddess Tarot, these cards brought into attentance the Japanese Goddess Nyai Loro Kidul and the Celtic Goddess Rhiannon. I am sure I will be blogging about them at some point this month, but the focus here was on Sarasvati!

After my altar was set up, I prepared myself by taking a bath, shaving my legs, brushing my hair, and getting dressed. It was probably 9:00 at night, but I dressed myself as if I were going to a job interview. I figure that when you are invoking a wise Goddess such as Sarasvati, you can't just show up in your bath robe and slippers! Conway suggests that you should light the incense and candle, and meditate for awhile in front of your altar, chanting the OM. But in my research of Sarasvati I found something I thought would be even better... I found a Mantra specifically used to invoke Sarasvati! So I turned this lovely video on from my computer, and chanted/sang the Mantra while facing my altar until I could feel myself vibrating and I truly felt that I was having an audience with Sarasvati!
Sarasvati Beej Mantra

Candles lit, incense burning, wine poured, I spent some time in meditation, chanting the mantra and thinking about how Sarasvati has blessed me with a strong desire to learn and a passion for writing. Then I prayed this prayer from the book;

"I stand at the center of this spiritual universe,

within the heart of the sacred mandala.
Gentle Sarasvati, I come to you for aid and blessings."

On the piece of paper I wrote down some goals that I have... asking for assistance with my organization and help keeping important papers straight in my home. I wrote down that I would like to be inspired to write in my blogs; to learn more, share what I learn, and teach others. I asked for clarity in my writing, clarity of thought. I filled the page with several wishes, then laid the paper back on the altar and prayed;

"Beautiful Sarasvati, Goddess of Light and Inspiration,
Reveal to me the knowledge I need.
Grant my requests in a manner that benefits me.
Thankyou, lovely Goddess."

I made sure my candles would be safe for the night (placed on fire proof holders, nothing too close to them, banished the cats from the room, etc.) and I went to bed. This morning when I rose, I lit another white candle, chanted the mantra again a few times, and meditated some more, then I burned the paper in a metal pan and watched the smoke swirl around my altar and the image of Sarasvati. When the ashes cooled, I took them outside and scattered them to the wind, thanking Sarasvati for the Knowledge and Inspiration I know she will bring me.

Mabon Magick

The energies aligned as the Harvest Moon rose
shining full and a golden yellow

closer and brighter than I had seen.

I welcomed her, Harvest Moon,
Moon in Aries; gifting us with the ambition and life force
of the Ram, The Emperor
Harvest Moon,

Full moon that falls closest to Mabon,

Autumnal Equinox

the balancing act of Night and Day

as Summer gives way to Fall.

Full Moon reflecting the light of the Libra Sun
Shining a direct light upon the mysteries of night.
Moon, meet Sun; Mother, meet Father
Aries, meet Libra; Emperor, meet Justice

and mingle together here with me

on this Blessed, Perfect night.

Incense lit and moonlight enough to read by,
I draw my cards.
One for the Equinox
One for the Sun
One for The Moon

Truth abounds and the answers flow to me
without words, I nod and smile,
I laugh at myself

for seeing what I already knew.
That's the trick of a full moon's light;

it illuminates the dark, shows us not something new,

but what was already there

shrouded.

My altar is ready

and I am prepared,
as earlier I had bathed and prayed
and cleansed myself in meditation.

Quarters called,
watchtowers and Elements honored and invoked
my Circle is cast.

Candles are lit
amidst the burning incense
Bell, Salt, Water, Stones
Corn and Apple
The Lord and Lady are called

and They Listen.

Joined etherically by my Sisters, and
Magickal shapeshifting familiars appear in smoke.

I pray for balance
with a Black candle and a White
Balance and Harmony
I visualize.
Balance and Love
I feel.

And I am suddenly joined in my circle of Love and Trust
by Elementals

Fey and Devas
Salamanders and Angels

Dancing in the moonlight
Praying and Chanting
I am swept away

enraptured

and I know and feel
that I am blessed
as the Blessings and Magick
of Mabon and the Harvest Moon
fall upon me.

Autumnal Equinox - Justice, The Emperor, and the Page of Cups

The Autumnal Equinox is approaching and the earth prepares to shift from Summer to Fall. On Mabon the day and night will be equal, and after that the days will begin to grow shorter and the nights longer. The weather will begin to cool as the Second Harvest is celebrated and we reflect upon what we have learned and how we have grown and expanded over the past cycle. This year Mabon also coincides with The Harvest Moon - the September esbat. Mabon and the Harvest moon are a good time to manifest balance, protection, prosperity, and harmony in your life. My friend Autumn wrote a wonderful blog about Mabon - an Autumn Festival.. check it out!

Some astronomical facts; The sun moves into Libra at 11:09 pm (EST) on September 22, followed by the moon entering Aries at 4:47 am (EST) on Thursday, Sept. 23; the day of the Equinox. The Harvest Moon will reach it's fullest at 5:17 am (EST) on the 23rd, and the actual point of Equinox will occur at 11:09 pm (EST) with the Full Moon brightly shining in the sky. This year there is also a beautifully visible Jupiter, in conjunction with the Harvest Moon.... it will be clearly visible and bright just to the left of the moon. (More....)

I was thinking about what type of meditation and self-discovery or journaling I could do for this coming Equinox, and of course with me; all roads lead to Tarot! So I have designed this very special Tarot mediation and Tarot Spread for your enjoyment and introspection. Using my beloved deck, The Celestial Tarot (Kay Steventon, Brian Clark, U.S. Games Systems) I found these three cards that perfectly coincide with the energies that will be present and active this Mabon. (*note - you can use these same cards with any deck you have!!)

Princess / Page of Cups ~ Autumn.
"Surrounded by the rich metaphoric colors of the autumnal equinox, the Princess of Cups contemplates the seasonal shift. The season of the zodiac turns to Libra, the quintessential sign of relationships, followed by Scorpio the phase of intimate union, then Sagittarius the distillation of knowledge. The Princess stands at the threshold of her own metamorphosis either through the process of emotional maturation in relationships or through her own imagination. In her hands is the urn, the alembic that symbolizes the birth of new feelings and attachments beginning with the feelings of self love and respect." ~ Brian Clark via the Celestial Tarot guidebook.
The classical meanings of the Page of Cups indicate the arrival or delivery of deep feelings, romance, spirituality, and self-love. In order to fully embrace the gifts of our relationships (including our relationship with Spirit) we need to allow ourselves to be emotional, intuitive, intimate, and loving. As we open ourselves up to self love and allow our emotions and intuitions to guide us we become more mature in our relationships and we can fully begin to harvest rewards that will lead us to greater emotional fulfillment and intuitive or spiritual guidance from within. (more Page of Cups)
As you contemplate the Page/Princess of Cups, ask yourself the following questions (and write them in your journal!)

* What is my intuition telling me, or what is my Spirit guiding me to do?
* What am I harvesting on an emotional level? (What emotional lessons and growth have occurred?)
* How can I serve others and be more loving in my relationships?
* Who is dependent upon me emotionally? Who am I dependent on emotionally? Are these relationships emotionally satisfying for all involved?

Affirmation; "I am willing to risk loving."

Justice ~ Libra (Sun in Libra)
"Libra reflects the evolution from instinctual life to culture, echoing the European trend away from primitive values toward the refined ones. At the midpoint of the Zodiacal round it represents the Northern Hemisphere autumnal equinox. Like Libra, Justice is at the midpoint of the Fool's Journey through the Major Arcana. At this crossroads are two orders of justice; one is the old instinctual order, which upholds familial and tribal values, while the other is the new rational order promoting reason and civil law. The card of Justice reflects the balance between the two modes of being." ~ Brain Clark via The Celestial Tarot guidebook.
The classical meanings of the Justice card include responsibility, cause and effect, fairness, ethics and equality, truth, and accountability. Libra energy encourages us to find balance in all areas of our life and urges us to make choices and decisions which will bring about balance. Under the influence of Libra energy the cause and effect of our past choices may come sharply into focus and we may be forced to recognize the Karma of our situation; assume responsibility, and then take steps to restore order and balance. (more on Justice)
As you contemplate Justice and Libra, ask yourself the following questions (and journal your thoughts!)

* What decisions am I currently weighing? What are the pros and cons?
* What consequences am I experiencing as the result of some previous action?
* What is the appropriate compensation/energy exchange needed to balance my life?
* What do I need to do to be true to myself?

Affirmation; "I am willing to be true to myself in all my decisions."

The Emperor ~ Aries (Full Moon in Aries)
"The Emperor personifies power, authority, and leadership. With this card we are given permission to have dominion over the current situation and are empowered to be in control. However, like the Arian temperament we may need to be more adventuresome and heroic, confronting and assertive to feel we are truly emperor of the situation." ~Brian Clark via The Celestial Tarot guidebook.
The classical meanings of The Emperor include authority, regulation, structure, and fatherly energy. The Harvest Moon in Aries will encourage us to take a leadership role in our own lives. The combination of this Aries energy with the Libra Sun and the Autumnal equinox asks us to bring our personal power into balance and restructure our energy. In simpler times the Harvest Moon was a time of restructuring; as the focus moved from cultivating the crops to harvesting and storing the food, preparing for the winter months that lie ahead. It is time for us to take the knowledge and lessons we are harvesting and begin applying them to our inner lives.... letting the metamorphosis of the Page of Cups and the balance of Justice begin to manifest. It is time to give shape and structure to our goals, and embrace our own personal power with confidence and ambition. (more on The Emperor)

As you contemplate The Emperor and the Harvest Moon in Aries, ask yourself and journal these questions;

* Where do my ambitions lie?
* What am I building, organizing, and restructuring in my life?
* Who has the power and authority in my life, and how is that power and authority being used?
* What kind of Emperor (leader) am I?

Affirmation; "I have the power and discipline to achieve my highest ambitions."

I would suggest laying these three cards out on your altar (or a safe place) where you can see them and meditate on them over the next few days. The energies of the Harvest Moon and the Autumnal Equinox are already beginning to manifest and will continue to be present for the rest of the week. If you want, you can journal and meditate on each card on a different day. Another option would be to shuffle the rest of your deck, and draw three more cards randomly; one for each card that was outlined above. The cards you draw will give you more clarity as to how these energies are currently present in your life on a personal level, and can be used to help you answer the questions above. You would lay the cards out like this;

Use these secondary cards and this tarot spread as your personal Autumn Equinox tarot reading, meditating and journaling on the questions posted above for each card and see what further insights and growth you can achieve this Mabon!

Many blessings of Balance and Power to you this Equinox!
Blessed Be!
Love, Lady Josephine

Summer Solstice Tarot Meditation

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Summer Solstice Tarot Meditation - part one

Summer Solstice; the sun rises at it’s earliest time of the year and sets at the latest, giving us the longest day and shortest night of the year. Traditionally this day would mark the beginning of the Harvest Season. The season for planting has officially passed, and now we begin to reap the benefits of what we have planted in the spring. The Sun takes his place of power, while the Mother Moon takes her time of rest… her time will come again at Yule, the Winter Solstice.
The solstices are all about balance, and we are reminded that for everything there is a time and season. The Wheel of the Year helps us understand they cycles of life through the simple understanding of the seasons of the Sun, the Moon, Planting and Harvesting. Summer Solstice is a time we should rejoice in the strength of the Sun, whose light promotes the growth of all life on Earth. It is a time to recognize that the choices we have made (I.e. the seeds we have planted) have begun to come to life and we must harvest and utilize the rewards of our work. Summer Solstice is a time to recognize that if things aren’t going our way, there is usually a reason behind it. Did we take steps to work toward our goals? Once we planted the seeds, did we water them, nurture them, and keep away the weeds and the bugs? If so, our harvest is better. If not, our harvest is small. The saying “You reap what you sow.” is perfect for the solstice, as we recognize that the power of the Sun (God) alone isn’t going to bring our dreams to fruition, but our hard work combined with our faith and the turning of The Wheel is what brings about our plentiful harvests.

There is more work ahead! Once the crops ripen, we will have to take the steps to reap them. What preparations need to be made, what steps need to be followed? These are questions we can ask ourselves during the Summer Solstice. Are we just being carried along by life, or are we going to utilize the energy of the sun, the longer hours of daylight, to keep working towards our goals and aspirations? Perhaps somewhere along the way, we forgot about our goals. We forgot to water those crops and now the field has gone to waste. (I’m not talking about Farmville here, though I know you just remembered to log on to Facebook so you can check your crops!) Well, if that’s the case and you have fallen from your path (remember that determination you had at New Year’s?) - it’s not too late. Summer Solstice is also about renewal, rebirth. You can pick up the pieces, find gratitude for what you have, and start again with a fresh new attitude.
Astrologically, the Summer Solstice falls on the cusp of Gemini and Cancer. We can bring this time into perspective by simply studying the energies associated with these signs. Gemini is all about Choices and synthesis. In tarot, the Lovers card is related to Gemini, and this card teaches us to work together in partnerships, but to never lose our sense of self. We must sometimes work with others in our lives; in our relationships, families, and at work. Gemini energy is all about cooperation, but in the end Gemini energy teaches us to stand strong and make our own choices. Sometimes we have to stand alone and choose what is best for us, what is moral, what is right. As we move through the Gemini cycle we have had to ask ourselves, what do my relationships tell me about myself? When is it right to go with the crowd, and when is it necessary to stand apart? How do the choices I make effect not only me, but those around me? Gemini energy teaches us to balance - sometimes another person might bring new perspective, new talents, new ideas to the table, and if we can synthesize another’s gifts with our own.. Well that’s what partnership is all about. But in the end it still comes down to the choices we make… and the people in our life are all part of those choices as well.

Next we come across Cancer energy. Cancer is the nurturing, affectionate, emotional force of the Zodiac. Through Cancer energy we learn about intuition, loyalty, sympathy, and imagination. Cancer nature is also dualistic and sometimes contradictory, much like Gemini energy which is always changing based on who they are around… Cancer energy transforms within itself. On one side it wants to be nurturing and helpful, but on the other side it is self-centered and brooding. It longs for adventure yet craves security. The tarot card related to Cancer is The Chariot, and you can see the opposing forces present on this card. But the one thing about Cancer energy is that it is tenacious. Once a crab grabs hold of something, it won’t let go. The Chariot teaches us that once our choices have been made, a commitment is made. For now, no matter what, whatever choices you made have set the wheels in motion and you have started down this path. The Chariot and Cancer teach us about responsibility, about having strength of resolve. We might not know exactly what lies on the path ahead of us, or how many turns onto new paths we might take. But once we take hold of the reigns and make the choice, the journey has begun! Don’t let go of the reins, don’t loosen your grip, keep your head up and accept responsibility for whatever choices you have made. Once you accept responsibility, you will find that you can channel your emotions more clearly, use your intuition to your advantage, and you will find yourself seeing creative answers to whatever problems and roadblocks you may face.

Meditation
Lay these two cards in front of you. The Lovers and The Chariot. Breathe deeply and evenly and just look at the images on the cards. Don’t force yourself to focus on any one thing, but allow your eyes and mind to wander across the images. Pay attention to how these cards make you feel, but don’t judge those feelings, just let them come and go. Remember to breathe deeply and evenly. Next, spend some time thinking about their meanings individually. Think about how they relate to the Summer Solstice. With The Lovers it is the choices we have made, the people we have surrounded ourselves with, the work we have done. With The Chariot it is the promise of new adventure, the unknown road ahead of us, the acceptance that the harvest we get is a reflection of the past choices we have made; this gives us the strength and resolve to take what we have and hold on tight as we head forward. Spend some time just looking at these two cards, listening to what they have to tell you. Look at them separately, and then look at them together. In what ways do they strengthen each other? What do they tell you, if you visualize them as one picture, or as part of one story rather than separate cards? Breathe in the essence of the cards. You can end your meditation with a prayer, asking for the understanding, guidance and acceptance of The Lovers and The Chariot through this Summer Solstice, or you can simply repeat this affirmation a couple of times;

“I choose to be free from inhibitions, guilt, and bondages in all my relationships. By harnessing all my forces toward my purpose and controlling my fears, I victoriously meet my challenges.”*

Once your meditation is complete, you might want to journal about your discoveries. You may find yourself motivated to make a list of preparations that need to be made or tasks that need to be completed as you enter your time of harvest. You may have new insights about the tarot cards that you want to write down in your tarot journal. Whatever you do, let it be in celebration. Don’t punish yourself for things you didn’t do or mistakes that you made. Instead, allow yourself to be thankful for the things you have learned and the ways you have grown, armor yourself with these new insights and allow yourself to set forth on your journey once again, with confidence. You may find that you have certain relationships that you know are no longer serving you or your goals, let these relationships go and set yourself free. Repeat the above affirmation to yourself whenever you feel you need it, to remind you of the lessons of the Gemini-Cancer cusp, and the renewal and promise of Summer Solstice. Go out and have some fun! Be merry, celebrate life! Go outside and greet the rising sun in the morning, in all it’s glory, and be energized and comforted!

Namaste!

~ Lady Josephine

* affirmations taken from the book, "Tarot For Yourself" by Mary K. Greer

There may be a part two to this blog coming, if I can find the time to write down and work out all the thoughts swirling through my head!!

Winter Solstice with my daughter

I had not planned anything for Winter Solstice this year. With everything else going on; packing for our move, my grandmother's passing, and being generally to busy and stressed - I just figured I would wing it this year with some prayer and meditation.

Monday my parents were here. I was getting ready to drive them to the airport - they are going to my grandma's funeral. We exchanged some gifts, as they won't be here for Christmas this year, and inevitably - we talked about grandma. My 6 year old had some questions about death, and my mom was telling her that "Grandma is in Heaven with Jesus now." I don't mind that my kids are exposed to my mom's faith... I think that being exposed to many different beliefs will help them find their personal path when they are older. Now, my mom has no idea what my spiritual beliefs are, and I prefer to keep it that way. Long story short - she is Southern Baptist to the core, and I would prefer to keep my relationship with her in good standings.

Anyways, here we are talking about Grandma and Heaven, and my oldest daughter, 10 - says, "Yeah, but she doesn't have to stay in Heaven. She can be born again as a little baby and have a new life, but she won't remember us if we meet her." (I am choking on my tea.) My mom, says "What?? What are you talking about???" and gives me that questioning/scared/worried/disapproving look that only a religious mother can give. Miss Zee, confused, says, "You know mom. What's it called again when we are reborn?" (Quick, come up with a cover story! The last thing my mom needs to worry about at her mother's funeral is the state of her daughter's eternal soul...)

"Um, yeah, honey. It's called Reincarnation." I smile reassuringly to my daughter even though I have been screaming shut up shut up shut up inside my head. Then I turn to my mom, "Because, you know, she is curious about different beliefs, so I told her about them." My mom, still unsure and frowning, says "Oh-kayyyy....."
Awkward Silence....

Anyways... somehow or another someone changed the subject. We visited some more, and then Dad decided it was time to go. Dreading the long drive to the airport with my parents, I spontaneously invited my oldest daughter to come along for the ride. She was more than happy to come along, though she didn't know it would take over an hour to get there. I dropped my parents off, we hugged and exchanged our final tears and goodbyes. I wish I could go to my grandma's funeral, but life and kids and finances.... *sigh*... she understands and knows I would be there if I could.

Anyways, on to my story. Back in the car with my daughter, starting the long drive back home, I decide I might as well talk to her about what happened earlier. I have told her in the past that I would prefer it if she doesn't mention mommy's beliefs or "Wicca, magic, or cards", around her grandma... but I hadn't fully explained why. Apparently now was a good time to go over this with her again, before she decides to out me completely. We talked about how I have different beliefs than grandma, and that's OK, everyone is entitled to different beliefs. But some people think that their religion is the only "right" one, and other beliefs scare them or bother them. I was happy to find that my daughter feel that this kind of judgement is "Totally unfair and not cool."- Then I had to explain to her that her grandma is one of those people who just doesn't understand, and no matter how you try to explain things to them, they may never understand. I found myself, driving down the interstate at 7 pm on Winter Solstice, having an amazing conversation with my ten year old daughter about religious diversity.

Then, another amazing thing happened. I was telling her that Grandma is not wrong or bad for believing the way she does, but she might be very sad or upset if she knew that I didn't believe the same thing as her. My daughter said she understood, and she likes reading the bible and going to church with grandma... "But, I want to learn more about what you do, because I think I believe in that." I told her, "You don't have to believe in something just because I do. I want you to learn about many things and decide for yourself." She said, "I know mom, but I want to learn more about Wicca. I mean, I know how you pray and use candles and crystals and cards but I want to learn about that stuff." I'm trying to make sure I'm in the right lane for our coming exit - while smiling and feeling so proud and happy at the same time, and I tell her, "Yeah? No problem.. you're getting bigger now anyways... I can teach you about that stuff. And you can ask me questions about it at any time - I hope you have always known that."
"Yeah mom, I know. But I'm curious now and I want to learn more."

"Okay... I've got something we can learn about right now. Do you know that tonite is a special day for Wiccans? Tonite is the Winter Solstice"
"Ooooh, I've heard of that! We put decorations of the Sun on our tree for that... what else does it mean?"

I went on to explain about the seasons, the solstices, and how on Winter Solstice it is the longest night of the year, but after this night the days start to grow longer again. I told her how it's a time to welcome back the sun, and remember that even though winter is still not over yet, the Solstice is a promise of the coming Spring. We talked about how our lives can seem like this; sometimes things are sad, or "dark", but eventually things get better again and we heal and grow and move forward.

She wanted to know about other "Wiccan Holidays", as she called them, and I told her about Beltane in the spring, then the Summer Solstice, then Samhain in the fall. She confirmed that she has indeed been paying attention to the little things that I have told her about these Sabbats in the past, by remembering little symbolic acts or items that she had seen. We talked and talked, so much that I missed my final exit and had to take a 10 mile detour to get back home!

THEN, my night just kept getting better, because she asked me if we could do something together to celebrate the Solstice! As I said, I hadn't planned anything, but I couldn't turn this down! After the younger kids were sleeping, I pulled out some candles and sage and books. We did some yoga and breathing exercises together. We sang together. (I taught her the simple Element Song) Then we lit candles and sage and read out loud the Yule Ritual from Scott Cunningham's "Wicca - a guide for the solitary practitioner". We prayed. I used my Angel Therapy cards by Doreen Virtue and did a one card reading for my daughter, and then or myself. We talked and prayed by the candlelight, and eventually closed the circle and said goodnight, as it was rather late. We both went to bed feeling happy, and I know I finally found the peace that I have been missing for the past week. My unplanned Winter Solstice turned out way better than if I had planned it, even with that awkward silence and disapproving look from my mother....

My Life, New Moon in Capricorn, and The Devil

The past couple of weeks have been exceptionally hard for me and my family. It seems that this time of year we always struggle more financially - things just seem to catch up with us in December. The phrase "When it rains, it pours" is present in my mind these days.
First, along with our financial situation getting really rocky, we found out that my grandma is very sick. She was hospitalized for pneumonia and anemia, and they found cancer in her lungs. Since then her condition has been steadily declining and she probably won't be with us much longer. She lives far away, and I haven't seen her in 10 years. My heart aches because I can't afford to go see her one last time. My two younger children have never even met her, and my oldest was too young to remember the last time we saw her. I wish I could be there with my mom, aunts, uncle, and cousins during this time, but it is just not possible.
Then, we had a heavy blow concerning the house we are buying. Our offer was accepted in November, and we have gone thru the process of the "short sale" and have everything signed except the title. We were planning on moving next week - half of my stuff is packed and ready to go. The papers went to the title company, and when they did the title search, they found that there was a second mortgage on the house - something that the previous owners failed to disclose. So this really sets us back. We have to basically sit and wait while the second bank decides if it is going to allow the sale. Worst case scenario- the second bank repossess the home and puts it up for auction, and we start again looking for a house. I feel lost, confused, depressed. We can't stay in this apartment much longer, it is too small for our family, and we financially can't afford it anymore. Our realtor told us we have an option of going ahead and moving into the house anyways - but if the bank doesn't allow the sale we will have to move out again in a couple months. But - we could live there rent free until the choice is made. So we are faced with this crazy choice -uproot the kids and try to save money and hope for the best, and move again in a few months if it doesn't work out. Or - stay here and continue to struggle, and wait. Either way, it's a waiting game again.
Being a Capricorn, I HATE waiting. I Hate not knowing my future, at least when it comes to things like where my family is going to live.
I feel like I am having trouble trusting my intuition too. Because everything in my heart told me that this was going to be our house, but now I'm not sure anymore. Did I feel that way because I wanted it so bad? It's one of those things - psychic readers and tarot readers will tell you they have trouble reading for themselves, because the emotions and ego get in the way.
Every day I have been forcing myself through the motions. Get up. Eat. Clean the house. (I have fallen WAY off my FlyLady routines) I didn't even notice that today was the New Moon, and I'm usually on top of watching he moon cycles. Today I have had so much trouble getting moving. Crawling out of bed was a chore in itself, and it's a miracle that I have washed the dishes and gotten dressed but I had to force myself to do even those mundane things. I noticed on a website widget that today is the New Moon. So I pulled out my almanac calendar. As usual with a New Moon, it's been Void of Course most of the day. Perhaps that explains my total lack of feeling today. Looking further, I noticed that tonite, the moon will enter Capricorn. Hmm.. a New Moon in Capricorn. Maybe this is just what I need to get myself out of this rut and back to working again. Maybe the start of this new cycle will bring about a more successful end to my current situation....

I found this New Moon in Capricorn Meditation and I hope to use it tonite to try and get myself back into the spiritual balance that I am craving;
http://www.bemyastrologer.com/rebecca_capricorn_med.html



I have also been thinking about The Devil card - this is the card related to Capricorn. Sometimes, dealing with the harsh realities of life and being forced into certain situations can give us the change of perspective that we need. Being locked in to any situation, or feeling like things are out of our control can wake up our survival instincts and help us make those tough choices that we would otherwise avoid. Alternatively, The Devil deals with temptations, and my temptation is to just allow myself to sink into a depression and self-pity. So which way am I going to go when the New Moon energy manifests? Despite the chains on the Devil card - I am not locked in to this. Because the "Devil" that I am chained to is nothing but my own fear. And as Rebecca Brent's article and meditation point out, my sense of power lies within me, and within my ability to pick up the pieces, get organized, and just keep on going.

New Moon Meditation - I'm gonna quit smoking!

http://journalyourselfawake.blogspot.com From The "New Moon & High Priestess" Journal

Journal Part 2;
Check out this excellent Meditation by astrologer Rebecca Brents. Take some quiet time to visualize as suggested. The second part of the meditation tells you to write down what you heard, felt, saw, or learned from your meditation. Don't censor or edit your words, just write down what you remember of your experience.

So last night after putting the kids to bed and washing the dishes I decided to do some visualization meditation and try out this one from the link above. But I had already turned my computer off, and I didn't record it on paper like I should have; I know, I know, Bad Tarot Mom!

Here's what I remember.
I visualized walking on the beach. It was dusk, or twilight, It was still light outside and still warm. The thin crescent moon was rising up above the horizon of the ocean. I could hear the water gently flowing back and forth from the beach and I could feel the warm sand between my toes. I let myself just enjoy visualizing the beach and feeling the ocean breeze.
I looked up the beach a ways and saw a cloaked figure sitting between two stone pillars. I walked towards her - it was The High Priestess. She was gazing thoughtfully at the moon and her eyes met mine as I walked towards her. She didn't speak or smile, but her gaze was no hostile either. I walked a little bit closer and she shifted herself on her seat. When she did this a couple of the stones at her feet shifted and one of them came tumbling down the slope and landed at my feet. I picked it up. Moonstone. Smooth, opaque, translucent white with shimmering purple and green. I looked back up the where the High Priestess had been, but she was gone; along with the two stone pillars and the stone upon which she had been seated. So I knew the stone was my gift, not only from the High Priestess, but from the Moon. I walked further along the beach, watching the waves. I took the stone out of my pocket and looked at it. When I did this the scenery shifted, it was like I was dreaming. I saw myself, not on the beach but somewhere else. Coughing and Hacking and looking very sick. Then I was back on the beach holding the moonstone in my hand. I knew what it meant, but I was still surprised that my meditation had taken this sudden turn. I found it very hard to continue my visualization so I came back down to earth and thought about it for awhile.

I have been thinking about quitting smoking for awhile now. Pretty much every time I light up a smoke I think about quitting. I wouldn't say I'm a heavy smoker. I can goal day at work without a cigarette. I have quit before (when I was pregnant) and I don't know why I ever started again. I think I've reached the point when I'm willing to quit for ME and maybe that will make the difference. In the past I quit for my babies; because I was pregnant and wanted to quit for THEM. But now I want to quit for ME. Yes my babies, of course will benefit from it too, but this time my reasons are personal. I know that my subconscious has been trying to get me to quit for awhile but my stubborn ego has not been willing to let go. I think last night's meditation made it all too clear and I can no longer deny that this is what I'm going to do.

Today I smoked a lot less than usual. Each time I smoked, I only smoked half a cig. rather than the whole thing, plus I smoked less frequently. I bought a pack of nicorette gum. I joined a quit smoking support group on CafeMom. I don't have a real game plan yet but I am taking steps and it feels right.

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Want to journal with me? Want tips, suggestions, or need direction for your journal for Self-Discovery? Come Journal Yourself Awake!!

My Lunar-Self

Journal Yourself Awake; The New Moon & The High Priestess



Journal Part 1;
This New Moon (July 21) the Moon is in the astrological sign of Cancer, along with the Sun. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, making this an ideal time to look within at our own lunar selves.
Key characteristics of the Moon include the following traits; Being Instinctive, our Automatic Responses, Our Unconscious side, Being Feeling-oriented, Mothering or Nurturing, Being dependent or needy, Being Changeable or Flexible - or being too stubborn and fundamental, or being Moody or Reactive.
Take a moment to think about these aspects within yourself. Are any of them too strong or too weak? Have you let your emotions or instincts rule your life? Are you allowing yourself to be nurturing and mothering? Are you burying or denying your emotions or not following your instincts? Allow yourself to write about these traits in yourself without judgment from yourself and without fear of judgment from others.



I've been very drawn to the moon latley. I journaled last week about the Tarot card "The Moon", I have been up late at night moon-gazing, and I've been studying once again about the cycles, phases, and astrological transitions of the Moon. So I guess it makes sense that my first "journaling assignment" at my new blog would be about the Moon. I really didn't plan it that way, but since today marked the New Moon in Cancer, what better time is there? (The New Moon transitting thru the Astrological sign that is Ruled by the Moon - while the Sun is also transitting through that same sign. Now it makes sense, right?)



So here I am again, ready to bare my soul to you as I journal with Part 1; Looking at my Lunar Self;

My Instinctual Side- what are my automatic responses?
I have worked so hard over the past few years to change my thought patterns from negative to positive. But I still find it hard sometimes. Sometimes the automatic response is one based on fear or worry. But the thing is; at least now I am aware of these feelings, and thru awareness I can autoatically turn them around. It's actually becoming a habit to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones... and this is an amazing change within myself that has led to wonderful things!! The one "Automatic Response" that I know I still need to work on has to do with my mouth. More specifically; my yelling. These crazy kids are jumping on funiture, wrecking the house, torturing the cats, and driving me crazy and the first thing I do is yell at them. It's not working, I need to change that. But it comes out automatically before I canthink of any other way to react. I will try to be more aware of my reactions.

Being Mothering & Nurturing -
I need to work on this too. It pains me to admit that sometimes I'm not as Nurturing or Mothering towards my kids as I should be. Don't get me wrong they get plenty of cuddles and kisses and snacks and baths. But sometimes I don't think I nurture them in the right ways or at the right times. When they have been whining and fighting and tattling all day, I don't want to hear it anymore! They sometimes will come to me for the 10th time wanting me to somehow heal the rifts of sibling rivalry, smooth out the arguments, or heal the hurt feelings from the insults they have hurled at eachother (yes - sisters can be really mean!!) I feel like I fall short on the nurturing in these areas because when my patience has been worn so thin, I just can't think of anything to tell them other than "Well tell each other you're sorry and get over it" or "Why don't you just seperate for awhile". I don't kow why this is the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of my ability to nurture, I guess it's just something that bothers me.

My flexibility / changeability -
That's always a rough area for me. I don't like change. I am one of those people who can really get stuck in their ways. I have to make sure to add some spontanaety into my life or I will get stuck in a rut. On the oposite end of the spectrum though, Iam very adaptable. I will find a way to work around new situations and fit new or different things into my life when change comes a-callin'. And it does. My favorite quote has always been "The only constant is change". I embraced that quote early in life and it has helped me become more adaptable, more wiling to flex and flow. It's still a challenge for me, but I think I've come far.

Am I dependent or needy?
Well I'm not going to say that I'm not independent. I'm a strong, independent woman!! Why do I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of that? Because I know I'm pretty needy and dependent. Not the needy-clingy type, but the need-interaction type. I'm not really sure I ever learned how to be alone. I went from being a child living with my parents to being a mom, and was never single in between boyfriends and husbands for more than couple weeks. Plus I have my kids. I feel sometimes like if what I've done or said isn't being noticed by someone, it's pointless. Probably why I started a blog. I need to be watched. Kinda kinky, huh? And I do depend too much on others sometimes. I crave approval. I try and tell myself that I don't care what other people think of me, and for the most part, I don't. But there's that little part of myself that feels sad when no one comments on my blog, that little part of me that feels afraid to go to the grocery store by myself - that's my dependent, needy side.

My feelings and moods -
I am pretty in touch with my emotions, and painfully aware of my moods. Yes I can have crazy mood swings, I wish I could control them better. The older I get the worse they get. Sometimes I think it's because I have spent so much of my life holding my emotions inside. I mean, although I am very aware of my feelings and emotions, I don't always show them. I can accept them and understand them, but others might not. And why would they need to see my emotions anyways? What purpose would it serve? Other than for me to not appear to others as a cold-hearted-bitch. Look, even just talking about showing my emotions brings out my sarcasm. Sheesh I never realized that my Sarcasm and Humor are such a big cover up of my feelings. *click the light bulb comes on over my head* Wow.... hold on I'm having a moment here....



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