Josephine’s Tarot Journal - November 2 2009 - DEATH
I have always been afraid of change and the unknown. Capricorns generally like stability, and we can be quite the perfectionists as well. Change is uncertain, and how can I be sure that things will turn out just right if there is any uncertainty in my vision? I think for most people, fear can be the biggest obstacle in life and it is no different for me. I can’t see the future. I can make educated guesses about what will happen, and I sometimes can utilize my intuition and empathy to help me divine what the next step will be, but tomorrow is mostly unknown. I can admit that this fear of change, this fear of the unknown outcome, has prevented me from taking risks in areas like my career and my finances. I am, after all, still a waitress after 11 years. I would love to be able to take my tarot readings and interest in astrology to another level and do it professionally, but I tend to hold myself back. What if I’m not good at it? What if I give someone bad advice? What if I don’t make enough money doing it? What should I charge for my services anyways? What would my mother think? That’s just an example of one area in my life where I know that fear of change and the unknown has held me back.
A couple years ago I discovered how to make a “Tarot Profile”. Using numerology and astrology, you can figure out what specific tarot cards represent you. Learning the meanings of these cards can help you on a journey of self discovery, and I believe that knowing yourself is the first major step towards enlightenment. There are three main important cards to know, and these are your Personality Card, your Soul Purpose Card, and your Hidden Factor card, sometimes called your Shadow Card. My Hidden Factor card is Death. When I first calculated this card, I was not too happy with this outcome. I mean, of all the 22 Major Arcana, who wants this card to describe their personality? But I have come to understand it and accept it over the years.
The Hidden Factor card usually represents aspects of your life or personality which are hidden from you. The things about yourself that you fear or reject. It could be defined as the “Denial Card”, and it shows the true nature of your challenges and obstacles through life. Though it’s tempting to reject and ignore this card in my Tarot Profile, I can see how it fits. I am constantly in a state of change or growth. My interests, beliefs, projects and goals are always changing. I will become stagnant or “stuck” for awhile; sometimes I get overwhelmed, tired and depressed and just get stuck in a rut or give up on my goals for awhile. Then I will wake up again, grow, change, take a new direction and begin again. It is how I have always functioned. Seeing this as my Hidden Factor card is actually comforting in some ways… to realize and see that these cycles I go through aren’t just laziness or ADD, but perhaps just who I am. It gives meaning to my past and hope for my future. I know I will experience stagnation again, but it will always be followed by another new beginning or surge of growth. The song by Tori Amos, “Little Earthquakes” comes to mind. It really is how I function. My experiences and emotions run so deep, I sometimes have to experience a “little earthquake”, or strong change or upheaval before I can move forward. I tend to hold myself back not just because of fear, but because I want to be sure to get the full experience and learn all I can before I move on and transform myself again. In a way, I guess I need to recognize and accept that I am always changing, always in a state of transformation and renewal. As much as my past has shaped me, it does not define me.
Yet sometimes before growth can really happen, some healing and purging needs to happen. Like cleaning your house, you can’t rearrange the furniture until you clean house and get rid of some clutter. Despite all the changing and growing I have done, I still feel like there is a lot of healing and purging that needs to be done as well. I tend to feel better when I write, and I am always advocating journaling as a tool for self-discovery and healing. But lately I haven’t been doing very much personal journaling or blogging. Perhaps it’s time to challenge myself, to make a commitment and see if I can stick with it for a whole month. I am always starting new things but never finishing them. What would happen if I actually set a personal goal and met it? Would I find confidence? Healing? Closure?
Why not start right now? I enjoy using tarot cards as tools and prompts for my journaling, yet I don’t stick to it as often as I like. What about a card a day, and a journal entry or blog every day to go with that card? 30 cards, 30 days. I feel like my Hidden Factor card, Death, is calling me to action. It is time to take some steps and start writing down my thoughts and feelings, purging and healing and “cleaning house’. A transformation is at hand.
This journal is part of my NaNoWriMo project for 2009, "November's Cards"
it is also a response to the journaling assignment or prompt at my other blog, Journal Yourself Awake.