I've had a busy weekend. I worked Friday night and Saturday morning, then Saturday nite I went to see a movie with a friend and then back to work again today. (Sunday) I'm suprisingly awake and chipper although I only had 5 hours of sleep last night. I stayed up late talking on the phone with a close friend. It was one of those long conversations that covers many topics, and doesn't seem to have an ending. I had to force myself to say goodbye around 1:30 am. This was the beginning of my epiphany.
There has been something rattling around in the back of my consciousness for quite some time, especially after my long phone call last night. It has been more present in my thoughts today, and I'm feeling a little turned around because of it. We were talking about my daughter's ADHD, and depression in general, and my friend was telling me about her own diagnosis as Bi-Polar. Myself, I've been in and out of Dr.s' offices to occasionally get help for my depression, but never seem to have insurance long enough to really get a solid diagnosis. I've resisted the labels as long as I could; Borderline Personality, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, general Clinical Depression, Post-Partum Depression. But there was always one label that kept popping back into my head. Bi-Polar Disorder. Too many of the textbook symptoms seem to fit. And thanks to journaling, I have noticed a clear and undeniable pattern of cycles. Some things that my friend said to me really seemed to bring it all home and hit the nail on the head. I finally began to admit to myself that I may be BiPolar. Of course, I will leave it to the professionals to officially diagnose me as they will.... when I get to the point of being able to go to someone.... if and when I decide I need to do that. This is what has been rattling in my head all day; you understand the resulting feeling of being a bit turned around today.
Finally at home, I am wondering what to Blog about today. I decide I'll pull a card from my trust Housewives Tarot deck (by Paul Kepple and Jude Buffum) to do my Daily Draw. Just wanting to do a general reading, I don't really focus on a specific question, but simply ask the Housewives to show me something that I need to see.
The Hanged Man
"* Epiphany * Hardship * A Turning Point *
"You've had an epiphany and finally see things as they really are. Whether its your backstabbing girlfriend, your new washer/dryer set that isn't working, or a womanizing no-goodnick husband, it's time to hang your problems out to dry. This may seem like a hard thing to do, but you must. Enough is enough!! Keep in mind that this sacrifice and time of hardshp is necessary to make way for future happiness." (~ from the guidebook for The Houswives Tarot by P. Kepple and J. Buffum.)
Talk about In-Your-Face! I had to laugh. "Okay, okay, I GET IT.!!" Somehow I feel better. I feel peaceful and accepting. But also a little nervous. The classic version of this card from the Rider-Waite deck (also pictured above) tells me that sometimes we have to be forced into an uncomfortable situation in order to change our perspective and therefore reach enlightenment. It refers to the sacrifice of personal comforts in order to better understand ourselves. Latley I have been going thru one of my super-motivated, inspired, creative, happy stages. I don't want it to end. It shouldn't. But if and when it does, it will only confirm my suspicions. I only hope that I will find the courage to reach out, and admit it if I need help.