Should or Could?

Time for some more soul-searching and bearing my soul open for all to see. I am journaling today from an excersize from the book; "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay. I posted this as a Journaling excersize at "Journal Yourself Awake" - please come check it out! Even if you don't post your results publicly in a blog - try out this journaling excersize it is really amazing!

Should Or Could?

I Should.....
* I Should Have a cleaner house.
* I Should be 100% smoke-free by now.
* I Should be more patient with my kids.
* I should be more ambitious when it comes to work and money.
* I should spend my time more wisely.

Why Should I?
* Why should I have a cleaner house? Because my mom's house was always cleaner than this. Because I'm embarrassed and worried about what others would say. Because I should be more organized. (Look - another "Should"!)
* Why Should I be 100% smoke-free by now? Because it's been 32 days and I need to get serious about quitting smoking! Because I should have more self-control, I need to be more strict with myself! ( Look - another "Should" - and some self-punishing thoughts as well!)
* Why should I be more patient with my kids? If I lose my temper too often they will never trust me or love me. I should be a more loving mother. (In other words, I don't feel like I am a loving mother, and when I say "I Should be more patient with my kids", I am actually saying to myself, "I am not patient or loving enough, and I don't deserve their love.")
* Why should I be more ambitious when it comes to work and money? I am almost 30 I should be doing something with my life other than waitressing. I need to be making more money. (says who? I'm happy doing what I do, and being rich isn't a goal of mine - only being happy is!)
* Why should I be spending my time more wisely? Because life is short. I have so much to get done, and not enough time. ( those sound like answers based on fear, or words that ther people use)

If I really Wanted to I Could...
If I really wanted to I could have a cleaner house.
If I really wanted to I could be 100% smoke-free right now.
If I really wanted to I could be more patient with my kids.
If I really wanted to I could be more ambitious when it comes to work and money.
If I really wanted to I could spend my time more wisely.

.... wow... I feel better already!

Why haven't I?
*Why haven't I made my house cleaner? Well, actually, it's pretty clean. I'm sure there are places a lot worse than mine. It's crowded, and it's Lived In! My whole idea of needin it to be cleaner comes from fear of other's judgements. But if I just lesten to myself and not those other voices, It's not bad. It's healthy.
* Why haven't I completley quit smoking? Because I enjoy my 1 cigarette every night before bed. Because quitting cold-turkey hasn't worked for me in the past, I am trying something different. I am letting myself indulge and rather than punishing myself for it I am trying to learn more about my cravings and addiction, and go slowly. I know when Iam ready, I will be totally able to give up that 1 cig. a day. I am not failing, and I don't need to be punished.
* Why haven't I been more patient wth my kids? Because I need to learn better communcation skills. Because who can be patient with 3 crazy kids? Am I being too hard on myself? Perhaps it's just me being too hard on myself as a parent that is manifesting as problems with them!
* Why haven't I been more ambitious about work and money? Because I am happy doing what I do. Because I am afraid to try something different - afraid that I might fail.
* Why haven't I spent my time more wisely? Because I don't know how. Because I'm afraid there isn't enough time.

.... This was very revealing, and yes, very healing for me. Just recognizing my thought patterns and acknowledging them will help me to begin to change them from negative to positive. And I am going to stop using the word "Should" and replace it with the word "Could".. how about you?? Don't forget to check out the original post for some more insights on this concept and from the book! http://journalyourselfawake.blogspot.com/2009/08/should-or-could.html