Inspired, no doubt, by the episode of Spongebob Squarepants that we watched after dinner, my children wanted to play "Doctor". I was informed of my status as "The Patient" when my son (3) told me that I looked sick and needed to come to his room.
Here I will try to relay the events that transpired at my "Dr's Visit."
Dr. X - My son, age three
Nurse A - My daughter, age 5
Nurse Z - My older daughter, age 10
Nurse Z; "Come in, come in. We have a bed for you right this way"
me - "Thankyou. I'm not feeling so good"
Dr. X - "You have the Suds" (reference; Spongebob)
me - "Oh. Okay. Can you take care of me?"
Dr. X - "Yes, just sign this paper." ( He hands me a piece of paper with scribbles on it)
me - "Okay", pretending to sign the paper.
Dr. X - examines my signature. "Yes. Mommy. You have the Suds."
me - "Yes, you told me that already. Are you going to help me feel better?"
Dr. X - "Uuuummmm. No. You're going to explode."
(Meanwhile Nurse A and Nurse Z seem to have come down with uncontrollable fits of giggles.)
me - "I'm going to explode?? Save me Dr!! Make Me Better!!!"
Dr. X - "Okay, but first sign this paper." (Seriously, ladies and gentlemen. He had the most serious expression and tone, and kept making me sign papers like this for 5 minutes. I felt like I was in a real Emergency Room!)
me - "Ummm, nurses, I think the Dr. might need some assistance. Perhaps one of you should listen to my heart or get me some medicine?"
Nurse A - "I'll check your heartbeat!!"
Nurse Z - "I'll give you a shot!" (yes, it frightens me that my eldest child was so quick to offer to administer me some pain.)
Nurse A proceeds to awkwardly feel my chest and belly, whispering "thump-thump, thump-thump. Yes her heart is beating. She is almost dead." I was pretty distracted with this when Nurse Z jabs me in the arm with a pencil.... errr "syringe", giving me a shot.
Dr. X walks to the other end of the room examining something on the wall. (A necklace hanging on a light switch) He pulls the necklace, causing it to swing back and forth and announces; "Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock we have to hurry before the time runs out!"
Suddenly I realized that the seconds of my life were being counted down by the swinging pendulum of the necklace.
Nurse Z. was making a buzzing sound, I realized she was about to saw off my legs.
me - "You're cutting off my legs?"
Nurse Z - "No. Just cutting off your cast."
Nurse A - "I want to play Make-Overs!! Not Doctor!!"
Nurse Z - "But we are playing Doctor!!"
Meanwhile, Dr. X seems to be scanning me with an instrument that looks like a dinosaur, and making weird clicking sounds as if he is stapling me back together.
Nurse A - "But I want to give mommy a Make-Over!" She begins brushing my hair.
Nurse Z, in a flash of brilliance, realizes a way to make everyone happy. (Everyone, of course, except for me) "I know!! Doctor!! This patient doesn't have the Suds!! She has a bad case of Ugly!! She needs Makeup Therapy!"
me - "I'm ugly?"
Nurse Z - "Yes, but not really, mommy! Just for the game!"
Dr. X - "And you're Going to Explode!"
Nurse Z - "Nurse A, get the make-up bag, quick!! Dr. X - you do surgery on her stomach while we give her Make-Up Therapy! Mommy - you should go to sleep while we do this."
me - "Okay. Anesthesia would help, but I guess you're out?"
Silence. "Okay I'm going to sleep."
I tried to lay very still while the two nurses fussed over my hair and face, pretending to apply makeup. Meanwhile I was trying not to laugh while Dr. X was pumping my stomach up and down with his hands as if he were administering CPR.
Nurse A - "Okay, here's the tape to tape her tummy so it doesn't 'splode."
I open my eyes to see her passing a roll of Duct Tape to her brother. Seriously. Where did they get that?
me - "Oh, okay, I'm awake! I feel much better!"
Nurse Z - "You look much better too. We made you beautiful!! LLLLaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"
me - "Thank Goodness!! Thankyou!! Can I go home now??"
Dr. X - "No. You have to sign this paper...."